Surrender - do you really mean it?

What do you think of when I say the word "surrender"?  I can't help but go back to that old church song that we sang nearly every invitational time under our long time pastor, Charlie Greer - "I Surrender All".  The dictionary has several different words to go along with it - "to agree to stop fighting, hiding, or resisting", "to give over control", "to yield to the power or control of another".   It was much easier to sing that song in earnest when it didn't require surrendering my son to death.

It doesn't take much insight to figure out this is the root of my anxiety attacks.  After Max was ripped out of my life that hot August day, I've frantically tried to close my hands around anything and everything, most especially my heart.  Not for control, but for protection.  But it ends up looking like control.  And it's all imaginary.  Max died 3 1/2 years ago and I still haven't turned him over to God for his care.  Seems silly, because whether or not I turn Max over to God, GOD HAS HIM. 

What about Wesley?  Have you ever prayed at the end of a prayer "Your Will be done"?  If you are a Christian, of course you have.  But do you mean it?  What if His Will involves the death of one of your children?  Or more than one of your children?  Or a tornado wiping through your town, killing your loved ones and demolishing all that stood around you.  Or an earthquake that would change lives, jobs, villages, people.  Do you still ask for His Will? 

I keep saying "I'd like" to trust Jesus blindly and loyally, as I did before Max's car crash.  I go back to His character - that He is good, He is trustworthy.  Oh my head totally gets it.  But there is a disconnect between my head and my heart.  He is good.  He is trustworthy.  And He allowed my 18 year old son to die a violent death on a highway. 

I sat in worship over the weekend on two occasions, and I fought my anxiety and anger, before I just finally chose to be numb and go through the motions so I could get through it without running out of the sanctuary bawling.   When does that go away?  I desperately long to surrender, it's hard work fighting to hold on to things that I truly have no power over.  Jesus I ask you to help me.