We spent a lot of time at the retreat "re-defining" some things we've been told or believe regarding grief. I am going to just breeze over many of them, but a paragraph could easily be written on each one!
"Don't feel bad", "replace the loss", "grieve alone", "just give it time, time heals all wounds", "be strong for others", "keep busy". None of things are true or helpful - they are myths and we need to learn to flatly reject them.
There is another category - intellectually true but not helpful. "Be thankful you have other children", "life is for the living", "he/she is in a better place", "all things must pass", "she/he led a full life", "be grateful you had him/her so long", "God will never give you more than you can handle", "at least you can have other children". Those things may be true, but saying them to a grieving person or believing them yourself does not help you address the pain in your heart!
The last category is the most dangerous. These beliefs cause the most harm and can be very destructive, and I want to talk a little deeper about each one, because I personally have believed some of these too.
The first I hear *all the time* in the realm of child loss. "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me". Rather than saying that, how about if we say "this is the worst thing that HAS ever happened to me" - now that is truth. But when you say it is the worst thing that *could* ever happen, how are you setting yourself up if something else that really is worse comes along? (Many of you just "checked out" because you are still believing that nothing else that is worse can happen). Believe me when I say I understand how grieving parents feel that way, because the pain is blinding. Here is another thought. If I continually say to myself that my loss is the worst ever and nobody can understand except for others who have lost children, I am automatically setting myself up to isolate away from 99% of the people in my life, if not all of them. Grief is isolating ENOUGH. Challenge your thinking on this. Just slightly changing the way you phrase it and believe it can impact your healing. Related to that (and not covered at the retreat) is that I will *always* be broken-hearted because of my loss. Same concept. Forever changed, YES, forever broken - NO. You have the chance and the choice to heal. Reject that untruth!
"The more/longer I grieve, the more I prove my love for" ... I don't think people consciously say this, but I hear all the time how it feels disloyal to go out and have fun after a death. I've felt it myself! We think we have to stay miserable in order to prove we really loved that person. Now, reflect on this thought ... when you die, do you want your spouse/children/parents to stay miserable the rest of their lives to prove they loved you?
The last definition I will cover is "guilt". We feel guilty for EVERYTHING after someone dies. Words we said, actions we did or didn't do, etc. We are only truly "guilty" if we intended harm. So ask yourself, did I intend HARM? If the answer is no, stop claiming guilt! It changes to the category of "incomplete" - you wish you had done something MORE, DIFFERENT, or BETTER - those are the things you need to identify - what lies INCOMPLETE in your relationship with the one who died. (The good news is, I learned how to COMPLETE those things and turn loose of them!! - it's coming in a future blog this week).
We've all heard these things and said these things ... but ultimately, if we buy in to any of these things, it can hinder our movement forward in healing. We must challenge our assumptions by asking why we assume them.
Stay tuned ... I will share a bit of each piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" with you all week long so you can get a glimpse into the healing that is truly out there. Remember, I am just giving you the "overview". Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.
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