Battling Hopelessness

I have thought a lot about suicide since my friend and fellow grieving mom, Kim, took her own life in July.  And since then, two other moms online have ended their pain by ending their life.

*All* grieving parents have thoughts of joining their children in death at first.  It's not suicidal, it's simply a longing to be with that child, to understand "where" they are, to want to protect them and continue nurturing them.  100% of the grieving parents I have spoken with have shared these thoughts and many of the books I have read speak about these thoughts as being normal.  But there is a difference between these thoughts and actually following through with the action of ending your life.  Kim shared many of the same thoughts, she "spoke the same language", but she actually went through with it.  To be honest, it scared me!!  If she walked, talked, and sounded like me, then what was the difference?  I have reflected a lot on this, and explored it in counseling.

I've only had two "near suicide" thoughts since Max died.  (I say "near" because I have never intended to go through with the thoughts).  I have never shared them because they make me sound crazy.   But after yet another grieving mom's suicide yesterday, I think we all need to begin to talk honestly and candidly about our thoughts so when one runs through our mind, we know we are not alone, and that we do not have to follow through on that decision!!

The first, we were all in the car together on a dark night, and Todd turned where there was no street into a curb.  He immediately recognized his error and was trying to figure out how to back up.  There was a car coming towards us, and my thought was "well, he isn't going to hit us hard enough to kill us, so we need to get out of the way."  The second was one cold night, we pulled into the garage, and I looked at Todd and said "all we have to do is close the door and keep the car running", and he said "yes, that's true".  Then we turned off the car and went inside.

Originally posted 8/29/11 - The hopelessness is so consuming.  It's a dark place to live.  And to wake up to it day after day after day after day is so very depressing.   If you are grieving today, I urge you in the strongest possible language to increase your self-care, reach out to a friend, voice those crazy thoughts you are having, and find any way possible to take your next breath.  Repeat this truth to yourself - I WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.  And keep repeating it.  You don't have to believe it.  I didn't at first either.  But time has proven that it really is true. 

Many give advice to find a distraction.  That works, but only if you've allowed yourself to cry, journal, or work out the feelings you have at the moment.  I turn on praise music and open my bible to the Psalms.  Many of the Psalms are written out of pain and desperation, yet they also speak of God's faithfulness to meet you in that pain and carry you through.   You are never alone, and God is there, in the darkest darkness of hopelessness.  Again, you don't have to believe it for it to be true.  Blessings to all as we walk forward.