Originally posted on facebook 9/6/11 - All I ever wanted to be in life is a stay-at-home mom. Cooking, cleaning, organizing, laundry, driving the boys to/from all their activities, volunteering at school, morning bible study with other moms, cruising garage sales on Thursdays for bargains, keeping my family life on schedule ... these are things I *love* to do. (Okay, not so much the cooking). I believe it is what I was designed to do, and for 11 straight years, this was my job.
Then in 2003, due to circumstances that were bigger than 'just what I wanted', I had to get a job that actually brought in a paycheck. Because I have MS and have to manage my energy more than most, I plunged into building a business and working it, and dropped most of my "stay-at-home" jobs. It's not that they didn't get done, but I didn't do them all by myself any more. The boys picked up more chores, Todd picked up more chores, and we managed just as many other families do. Many things went by the wayside. What happened back then caused not only a drastic lifestyle change for myself and my family, but it also forced a change in churches and many friendships. It caused a drastic shift in my relationship with God as well. There was a distance that grew because I didn't want a real job, I liked what I was doing at home.
Since Max died last summer, I have had lots of required "soul searching" as I grieve his loss and figure out what my life looks like without being a mom to him on this earth. I haven't crossed that finish line yet (do you ever?), but I am slowly, very slowly, choosing to re-build a new life and deciding what stays and what goes ... what is still important and what isn't ... my priorities are shifting, my focus is different.
That includes whether I am going to continue working or go back to being a stay-at-home mom. One of my deepest regrets is working instead of being home with Max while I had the chance. If we had KNOWN that we only had 18 years with him, I *never* would have taken a job. We would have figured things out a different way. So I am looking at my life now and obviously, Wesley is front and center on my priorities. But now, I have a business that I also love and I believe God has called me to it as well. So how to find balance?
I tell people that I am working "very part time" and grieving "full time" ... so part time "work" is all I can handle right now! But with this part time schedule, I have found a freedom that I haven't had in many years.
So I made the decision that I would start back to a morning bible study in the middle of the week! I am reclaiming that little piece of my life that was lost in 2003. I *love* bible study, I just can't make it work when I am working full time. I'm exhausted when I come home at night. (Don't get me wrong, I still read my bible most days and spend time with God, just not in an ongoing study). But on a very part time work schedule? Yes, I am going to make that happen. As I am reclaiming this piece, I am also rebuilding ... or building ... a new life, one that doesn't include Max here on this earth. I feel very confident that this morning bible study is where my broken heart belongs for the next 10 weeks.
This may not sound like a big step to you. But I know that the enemy of my soul has been rejoicing that I was not in a regular bible study. And he will NOT have that victory any more. I take it back, and to God be the Glory.
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