Weepy

I have been so weepy the last two days.  I haven't felt my best and that always knocks down my defenses.  I feel like a snowball rolling towards RITZ, graduation, Max's birthday ...and his death day ... last year at this time we were in our last weeks with Max and we didn't even know it.   I remember how happy he was.  I wonder which kiddo is living life right now that won't be here next year like MY kiddo was.  (It's so twisted!)


I wonder what makes him special out of the millions of people in heaven ... he was so special down here.  His gifts and personality shined so ... does it in heaven ?? or is it all about God?  I don't mean to sound like it shouldn't be .. I just miss everything Max brought to my life.  What is he DOING up there?  Does he miss us? 

The world is full of such heartache.  I have two close friends that have children dying from cancer.  "The bright side" of me understands that Max no longer suffers heartache.  He doesn't feel cold or tired or sick.  I rejoice that he is living in paradise.  

I long to hug him so much that my body aches.    Wesley has been very patient with his mama, letting me hug him *double time* just because I CAN!