Nearly 9 months of living without my oldest son ... I went down to his room today to put his Easter basket in there, and noticed his floor is really dusty. Guess 9 months of not cleaning in there is taking it's toll! I have written a lot of notes on fb describing the intense pain I have lived through since Max died. That is not the kind of note I am writing today.
I have been reluctant to claim that the vice of pain is releasing on my heart and body, because I feared it was temporary. I also felt guilty for having so many good moments, like maybe it de-valued Max in some way. And I read many grieving parents on the discussion boards who are *much* farther down the road than I am and they are struggling and claiming that the pain never goes away. I am here to tell you - if you believe that - IT IS A LIE.
I have immersed myself in the grief process! Spent many hours crying, many hours going through Max's things, been in counseling, support groups for moms and for couples. I have reached out to other grieving moms and we have created a great network to help hold each other up and walk forward. All of these things combined have helped me get through the denial, the anger, the depression. I am finally starting to embrace that I may be dipping my toes in the waters of acceptance and re-building.
I have started to care about what my house looks like. I have started to care if I am dressed and my hair is brushed. I have made some new plans and have new ideas for my business. Do I still have some awful moments of grief and crying - YES OF COURSE, and I probably always will! But ... the endless grip of gut wrenching, soul tearing pain seems to be gone. I go to Max's grave not nearly as often, and I blow him a kiss when I leave. I talk to God there about the beautiful 18 years I was blessed with that fabulous kid in my life. I am starting to laugh as well as cry when I remember a memory that includes Max. I am starting to focus much more on *his life* rather than his death. I have started seeing how losing Max has opened new opportunities for ministry that I would have never had without this experience. I am starting to reach out to friends who fell by the wayside. THE FOG IS LIFTING. I am starting to be able to focus more and am starting to be more aware of time.
There is still a lot of CRAP going on in my life, most of which I cannot share on fb. But I am handling it with much stronger legs from walking this far into the valley of grief and discovering strength I didn't know I had. I *am* much stronger than I ever knew ... and now know that I will survive anything.
I am so glad God does not leave us in the wilderness ... but we have to do *our part* and choose to see the path out. This is a roller-coaster ride, but it is starting to not make me sick any more. And someday, I WILL step off the roller-coaster and find peace and joy in life again. Praise the Lord.
I have been reluctant to claim that the vice of pain is releasing on my heart and body, because I feared it was temporary. I also felt guilty for having so many good moments, like maybe it de-valued Max in some way. And I read many grieving parents on the discussion boards who are *much* farther down the road than I am and they are struggling and claiming that the pain never goes away. I am here to tell you - if you believe that - IT IS A LIE.
I have immersed myself in the grief process! Spent many hours crying, many hours going through Max's things, been in counseling, support groups for moms and for couples. I have reached out to other grieving moms and we have created a great network to help hold each other up and walk forward. All of these things combined have helped me get through the denial, the anger, the depression. I am finally starting to embrace that I may be dipping my toes in the waters of acceptance and re-building.
I have started to care about what my house looks like. I have started to care if I am dressed and my hair is brushed. I have made some new plans and have new ideas for my business. Do I still have some awful moments of grief and crying - YES OF COURSE, and I probably always will! But ... the endless grip of gut wrenching, soul tearing pain seems to be gone. I go to Max's grave not nearly as often, and I blow him a kiss when I leave. I talk to God there about the beautiful 18 years I was blessed with that fabulous kid in my life. I am starting to laugh as well as cry when I remember a memory that includes Max. I am starting to focus much more on *his life* rather than his death. I have started seeing how losing Max has opened new opportunities for ministry that I would have never had without this experience. I am starting to reach out to friends who fell by the wayside. THE FOG IS LIFTING. I am starting to be able to focus more and am starting to be more aware of time.
There is still a lot of CRAP going on in my life, most of which I cannot share on fb. But I am handling it with much stronger legs from walking this far into the valley of grief and discovering strength I didn't know I had. I *am* much stronger than I ever knew ... and now know that I will survive anything.
I am so glad God does not leave us in the wilderness ... but we have to do *our part* and choose to see the path out. This is a roller-coaster ride, but it is starting to not make me sick any more. And someday, I WILL step off the roller-coaster and find peace and joy in life again. Praise the Lord.
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