Have you seen Star Trek? You know those "important officers" on Star Trek, who just have to stand in front of a door and the door opens because it recognizes the badge on their chest? When Max died, a friend told me I now have one of those badges on my chest ... only I wasn't wearing it on my clothing, it was drilled straight into my heart. She told me that my badge would now open doors that I could never enter before the death of my child. (She also lost a child many years ago).
When she first told me that, I didn't understand what she was saying. Then, as I pondered it a bit, I wanted to take that badge and SHOVE IT back to the one who gave it to me ... no badge is worth the cost of my son's life and I didn't want that stinking badge. But now, nearly 9 months down the path of grief, I am starting to see where that badge can take me. Would I trade it back to get Max back - YES, WITHOUT QUESTION.
But that's the key, isn't it? There is no choice in the matter. I have the badge whether I want it or not. Max is dead whether I want him to be or not! The question is, will I use that badge? Or will I withdraw into my isolation and pain and live in misery the rest of my life?
I am starting to see the badge as an honor ... an opportunity to minister to a hurting population that I could not possibly understand until I had a badge of my own. That badge is part of Romans 8:28 for me - that God truly does use *everything* for His Good according to His Purposes. God continues to show me how to use my badge and I am sure He will continue to do so all the days I am on this earth.
I do not want my son's life or death to be in vain!! By choosing to use my badge and reach out and minister to other grieving moms, I bring meaning to Max's death. That is something this mom can sink her teeth in to!! The ironic thing is that as I am reaching out, I also receive healing. Isn't God truly amazing like that? Moms who also have a badge ... are you using it?
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing this Pam- I was really blessed by this post and had to share it. I look forward to reading more.
Dear Pam,
Thanks for your insight. I never thought of wearing a badge but now I consider myself an advocate for life, maybe that is like a badge. My daughter was killed in a violent car crash 6 years ago and it has been along road, my new normal feels like a protracted life but I am still here trying to make sence of what happened. As I put the pieces togeather time moves forward, my son is growing up and I feel like I have to live in a world that is not very welcoming. The Mom whose child died, has to find a new place in life and as you say, you can wear the badge but make sure it is a mark of honor. In my case, I am so angry that my badge is a mark of rage, so I try not to wear it. When I put it on, I am usually writing about the tragedy that occurred and I am choosing my words. All of the changes that I get involved with are fueled by my outrage but slowly my normal is emerging. I have been practicing my writing for a few years now so I can express myself and present my outrage, without dishonoring my daughter. I started a foundation of course, and also have the burden of the victim, which seems to want to be put away some times now. It would be nice to lay the burden down for awhile but I keep picking it up. Certainly we never wanted to belong to this club but here we are. God bless you Pam and your headline to this post reminded me that life moves forward.
Max is a handsome young man and you will have him in your heart forever...I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that you will continue to write about your new journey. look forward to knowing more about Max...loved his picture,
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