Max's Flip Flop

Originally posted as a facebook note 12/26/10 - Wesley was picking up around the couch in the family room and came out from under it with Max's flip flop tonight.  He always just kicked off his shoes there.  How good of a housekeeper am I, right, that there is still a shoe under there nearly five months after Max has been dead?   Dang thing sent me right over the edge into tears.

I knocked on the bathroom door while Wesley was in the shower earlier today and freaked him completely out and gave him flashbacks.  Poor kid can't have enough triggers with everyone else, his mama has to give them to him too.  I have the same reaction to the doorbell ringing.  I wish I had the presence of mind that morning not to barge in on Wesley in the shower and blurt out that Max had been killed in a car wreck.  Now showers are forever tainted.  Really, how fair is that?  Something that he has to do the rest of his life, he can't exactly avoid taking a shower!

I have cried so many tears the past few days.  The way I am feeling now, I will not be doing Christmas next year.  No decorations, no nothing, I will be going away like we did for Thanksgiving.  No traditions, no food, no presents, no no no.  The pain has been unreal.  Worse than it has been for WEEKS.  I just want to rip down the decorations and beat them with that bat I used Christmas eve on the rotten veggies from our fridge.  I am sick of reading the poem "Christmas in Heaven" - will I have to endure that torture every year, really?

I am so ready to just wake up from this nightmare.  Just make it go away, please God, this can't be my life now.   I hate it.   I am in the anger stage of grief and I am having a hard time believing hope will ever return - and when it does, it has to be without Max.  NO FAIR.