Originally posted as a facebook note12/30/10 - I only have about a day left to say "my son died this year" meaning in 2010. It's been just about 5 months since the day my heart was forever broken. I liken it to walking along on a nice paved road, pointed in one direction, with a to-do list, some books you want to read, plans for the future .... and then suddenly, a twister picks you up and dumps you on a completely different unpaved road - pointed in different direction ... your to-do list is no longer relevant to your current life ... the books you were going to read no longer interest you ... and your plans for the future are completely out the window because the future you had envisioned - that future is now unavailable to you. Normal died with Max in my household, on August 6, 2010. In just a few short hours, it will be 2011. A year my beautiful son will never see. I feel like I am betraying him by leaving him in 2010, but what choice do I have? The sun keeps coming up in spite of my wishes. I wear his class ring around my necklace, and it says "Max" and "2010", which will forever and always be linked now, not just as his graduation year but the year he left this earth.
I met a friend today for coffee, and we chatted about my grieving process ... and then he asked me what else I had been up to. Um , nothing else , that IS my life now. Absolutely EVERYTHING has to be re-adjusted with this big hole in my world. Grieving the loss of a child takes more time and energy than I could have ever imagined. I hope my friends before Max died haven't all "hidden" me in their feeds. I know my status updates and notes aren't the most cheery right now. :( My friend told me it pained him to read my notes. I laughed and thought "yep, you should try living what I write about"!
The anger stage of grieving leaves me feeling unstable much of the time. If my Christmas tree had stayed up one more day, I was literally going to move it to the back yard and light it on fire. I have wanted to smash our Christmas ornaments on more than one occasion. I have beat up rotten vegetables in the back yard, which was GREAT but my poor dogs were out there eating the slimy remnants, I have no idea how they weren't sick. There were a couple of times where someone said something insensitive to me, and I closed my eyes and pictured myself balling up my fist and shoving it through their nose. Ah, it was satisfying, if only in my head. I reject much of what I used to accept on face value, trying to decide if it is truth or not. Todd has hit the anger stage too, we are both very crabby most of the time. Makes interacting challenging.
My therapist says "nothing is out of bounds when you are grieving a child", and that I am not unstable, but what I am going through is NORMAL and to be expected. (There is that *&^*(*& word again!) So I am trying to go with the flow, and walk this new road, the one the twister put me down on. But I will not celebrate going into 2011, not without Max. Please, God, don't send me anything that will ever rival 2010 for the worst year ever. Please, never, never.
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