Originally posted as a facebook note 12/10/10 - Right after Max died, I was able to stay home inside my "safe zone", where I could turn off the radio and TV or eject a movie if it hit subject matter that triggered an emotional reaction. I could control who/what was allowed into my sight or hearing. As the weeks go by, and I spend more time outside my safe zone, I have found that I cannot just "change the channel" or walk away from a conversation in the middle if the subject changes into something that I do not want to be a part of. Sometimes I have to stare a trigger right in the face and can't get away from it.
I suppose this is all part of incorporating the loss back into real life and adjusting to it.
I have had two very pronounced times since Max died that I was "stuck" (for lack of a better term) - there was no way out of where I was, and I was right in the middle of stimuli that was triggering that response. The first time was on our way home from Thanksgiving where we ended up having to drive slowly past Max's crash site and then parked for an hour just south of where he died waiting on a new vehicle for the band kids. The second time was tonight at a Christmas party, being involved in conversations with people who didn't know that my son had recently died.
I don't remember actually choosing, but as I reflect, I realize that the choice I made was to zone out, to just numb myself to the situation, and gut it out. Eyes glazing over. Brain numb. Switch off between reality and my thoughts. I have heard how children in abuse situations do this, and I have never understood how they could disconnect from reality. I think I have a glimpse of it now.
I am sure I will pay for this disconnect with an over-emotional response when I come out of the numbness. I did the first time. I imagine it will be a good long time before I stop being so overly aware of every little thing that will trigger a grief response. It's so tiring.
I suppose this is all part of incorporating the loss back into real life and adjusting to it.
I have had two very pronounced times since Max died that I was "stuck" (for lack of a better term) - there was no way out of where I was, and I was right in the middle of stimuli that was triggering that response. The first time was on our way home from Thanksgiving where we ended up having to drive slowly past Max's crash site and then parked for an hour just south of where he died waiting on a new vehicle for the band kids. The second time was tonight at a Christmas party, being involved in conversations with people who didn't know that my son had recently died.
I don't remember actually choosing, but as I reflect, I realize that the choice I made was to zone out, to just numb myself to the situation, and gut it out. Eyes glazing over. Brain numb. Switch off between reality and my thoughts. I have heard how children in abuse situations do this, and I have never understood how they could disconnect from reality. I think I have a glimpse of it now.
I am sure I will pay for this disconnect with an over-emotional response when I come out of the numbness. I did the first time. I imagine it will be a good long time before I stop being so overly aware of every little thing that will trigger a grief response. It's so tiring.
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