That is one of the first questions any newly bereaved parent asks - how long does this excruciating pain last? Will this pain last forever? If you have read my FB notes, you have heard me say that I never knew a body could experience this much pain without breaking apart. There are times when I literally could not breathe ... all I could do was wail out the grief.
Tomorrow marks 18 weeks since Max died. And tonight, Todd & I both realized a small shift has taken place in our grief journey. Immediately after Max died and for several weeks following, any time either one of us would have a happy moment, we would feel guilty! Like, 'how dare we have any happiness, our child has died'. For me, it was also a feeling of betraying Max, like he wasn't that important because I was able to have a moment of happiness without him. These are very normal feelings for a parent that has lost a child. But our small shift is that we now have moments of happiness without that guilt we felt initially. (I am not saying it's gone for good, grief comes in waves), but ... I do think it's forward progress. I now look at moments of happiness as a blissful respite from the pain. I look at those moments as a gift, because they do not come too often at this point.
I have said all along that I will do what it takes to get through this, that I refuse to live the rest of my life in this kind of pain. I refuse to allow Wesley's last years of high school to have a non-functioning mom! With two beautiful children, I knew there would be joy again in my life, in spite of one of them being gone. Of course I will be adjusting to this loss my whole life, I know that.
I have heard it said that when you can start reflecting on your child's life, rather than their death, then you are healing. I sat at a table tonight with other families who are at differing stages of this walk, and I saw that hope - yes, I said HOPE. They do miss their child, but they have hope and happiness in their lives, they can smile when they think about the child who is gone. Your child's death is all-consuming as your mind and heart adjust to the reality of it. But the pain felt the first few weeks does indeed change. Thank you, Lord.
Tomorrow marks 18 weeks since Max died. And tonight, Todd & I both realized a small shift has taken place in our grief journey. Immediately after Max died and for several weeks following, any time either one of us would have a happy moment, we would feel guilty! Like, 'how dare we have any happiness, our child has died'. For me, it was also a feeling of betraying Max, like he wasn't that important because I was able to have a moment of happiness without him. These are very normal feelings for a parent that has lost a child. But our small shift is that we now have moments of happiness without that guilt we felt initially. (I am not saying it's gone for good, grief comes in waves), but ... I do think it's forward progress. I now look at moments of happiness as a blissful respite from the pain. I look at those moments as a gift, because they do not come too often at this point.
I have said all along that I will do what it takes to get through this, that I refuse to live the rest of my life in this kind of pain. I refuse to allow Wesley's last years of high school to have a non-functioning mom! With two beautiful children, I knew there would be joy again in my life, in spite of one of them being gone. Of course I will be adjusting to this loss my whole life, I know that.
I have heard it said that when you can start reflecting on your child's life, rather than their death, then you are healing. I sat at a table tonight with other families who are at differing stages of this walk, and I saw that hope - yes, I said HOPE. They do miss their child, but they have hope and happiness in their lives, they can smile when they think about the child who is gone. Your child's death is all-consuming as your mind and heart adjust to the reality of it. But the pain felt the first few weeks does indeed change. Thank you, Lord.
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