Originally posted as a facebook note on 9/21/10 - As I have shared, I have many nightmares and restless nights since Max died. Sleep is no escape for the pain of grief. I dread seeing Max in my dreams because either I have to wake up and re-orient to the fact that he is never coming back into my life on this earth or it is a horrible dream about how he died. But I woke up this morning from a very vivid dream that brought me great comfort and peace.
Max was standing in the doorframe of my bedroom from the hallway - "checking in with me" as he often did coming in later than I stayed up most nights. In my dream, I knew he wasn't alive, but yet here he was, standing in front of me. I ran up to him and hugged him so tight and told him how he wouldn't believe how many people loved him and about the flood of people that have been affected by him while he was here and how deeply, totally, and completely loved he is by everyone, including me. And I will never forget this reply - smiling, hugging me, he said "Mom, what makes you think I don't know?" Then I woke up. I forced myself to lay there for awhile and re-hash the dream over and over. I could hear his voice as clearly as if he was sitting here talking to me now.
I do NOT believe he physically visited me in my dream. I firmly, 100% believe that he is in heaven with God. I know as I sleep, my mind is still working through the grief, and I claim the scripture Psalm 63:6 that says " On my bed I remember you - I think of you through the watches of the night." I do believe that God uses that deep sleep to minister to our hearts, remembering us through the watches of the night as scripture promises. And I believe that is how God brought peace to a grief-stricken heart last night.
Who knows what we will know in heaven? If you haven't read the book "Room of Marvels", I highly recommend it for a picture of what heaven might be like for our loved ones. It's Christian fiction, but based on biblical truth, and it brought me a great deal of comfort. God IS love, so why wouldn't Max know and feel all the love he possibly could up there? We weren't meant to have these answers here in earth, but I just fall back to my unshakable belief in God's trustworthiness, and I thank Him for the gift of a peaceful dream last night with my sweet boy, Max, and for the FACT that God loves Max more than I ever could as his earthly parent, because He is his Heavenly Father.
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