Good & Horrible Things I Know

Originally posted as a facebook note on 9/28/10 - Things I know now that I never wanted to learn from this experience (warning, if you think talking about death is morbid, you probably shouldn't read this!)   This is probably more horrible than good although I will not be graphic, and isn't in any particular order, just how it is pouring out of my brain.

• Even if someone has indicated that they are an organ donor on their drivers license, you (as the next of kin) are not told this information when you have to decide whether you want to allow this or not.  PLEASE HAVE THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOUR LOVED ONES, NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU ARE. 
• You have to make the decision on organ/tissue donation REALLY EARLY in the shock process.  The police were at my door around 9am, and I believe Todd talked to the transplant network before lunch time.
• When going through the process of consenting for organ donation, you don't just say "yes" and they take it from there.  This is a long, drawn out conversation where you have to "consent" to each item they will take, listen to what and how it will be done and then go through a very lengthy medical history of the person. 
• Having a great pastor makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE.   Mike handled calling the hospital for us to find out details on Blanca.  He got in touch with the police to ask questions we had come up with.  He called the funeral home, got in touch with our funeral director, and really facilitated the details for us so we wouldn't have to handle it!  He stayed with us the whole day, gave us guidance and counsel, and I truly don't know what we would have done without him.
• Having a great INSURANCE AGENT makes all the difference too!  Craig was also here that first day, had already started the paperwork, traveled with us to see the vehicle, has been a go-between for Haley and Blanca's family, has answered every question and problem with compassion.  Just the assurance he was able to provide us on that day and the days after that you simply cannot put a price on!
• You have to go to the funeral home ridiculously early in the process too.  We went the day after Max was killed.  Trinity & I picked out Max's favorite clothes to take with us.  You have to make all the decisions about burial, cremation, caskets, etc right then if there was no pre-planning.
• They CUT the clothes they put on your loved one.  I guess I never really thought about how immobile a person who is embalmed becomes, but they do not dress them like a store mannequin, they cut up the clothing and make it look as good as they can.  I am so glad we didn't end up using Max's letter jacket, I would have been devastated to receive this back cut in half.
• You can read all about the embalming process, wrecks without seatbelts, and cremation process online.  Information is good, but protect your heart so you won't have images in your head that will make your grief more difficult.
• You can ASK for the clothes they died in and for the clothes they wore in the casket (if they are cremated, which Max was).  They won't automatically give them to you, but will gladly launder them and give them to you if you ASK, which I am so glad we did.
• A funeral home legally has to accept any "container", you do NOT have to buy it from them.  You can go to Hobby Lobby to buy an urn if you want to, or walmart.com for a casket, and they cannot charge you a fee for accepting those from somewhere else.  
• You can buy cremation jewelry online!  We ordered from the funeral home thinking that was our only option, but there are many places to order it! (That is where they store a small amount of the cremated remains inside the jewelry - Todd, Trinity, Wesley & I all have a necklace).
• You can view the cremation process.  I don't think we would have wanted to, but I did not know this was even an option until I read it after it happened.
• You can ask the coroner for the initial autopsy findings over the phone within a couple of days, but you have to wait around three months for the actual report.
• You have to call the police that handled the accident to get back the persons drivers license and any other personal effects that they recovered at the scene.  They don't call you and you don't automatically get it back.
• Roadside memorials are not allowed on the Kansas turnpike.  They take them down within a day of them going up.  (Thankfully we have everything that people put out there thanks to our wonderful connections in the police department!)
• You will NOT have time to say "goodbye" at the funeral to your loved ones body.  There are too many people around.  Be sure to do it at the viewing where you can spend some time if it was someone close to you.  I think this threw me big time because I didn't realize it until it was too late.
• You have to pay your bill in full at the funeral home before they will put the stone on the grave.
• You have to pay the towing bill for the company that towed the vehicle from the accident site before you can recover anything from the vehicle.  This "discussion" caused Todd a great amount of stress and pain, thankfully Craig & Mike were there for that as well to handle it more objectively than we could have!
• It is more than OKAY to send a sympathy card late or take food weeks after the death.  Those things are still greatly appreciated.  My mom & I were talking about this earlier today, how she always felt strange and like it was "too late" if she didn't get the card in the mail right away.  NOT TRUE, it is appreciated any time!
• There are a lot of "business" details to be taken care of after someone dies, no matter what their age.  Canceling passport, drivers license, selective service for Max, contacting drs and dentists, work & school, his possessions, car, bank account.  People worry that I am home in bed being depressed - believe me when I say it will be awhile until I am allowed to do that!! 
• I still have dishes that people brought food in, but I do not know who they belong to.  Please label your dishes if you take real ones to a grieving home, it helps!  Or take disposable!  Or call and come get them, please.  I feel a great burden for getting those back to the kind people who brought us food.
• People are so giving and creative!  In addition to the wonderful food and paper products we received that first week, we also received toilet paper, clorox wipes, and laundry soap - all needed!  We had a friend who volunteered to take all of Max's "belongings" from the funeral home to the church for us -  A HUGE HELP.  Our lawn was mowed, our laundry done, SO MUCH was taken care of.  If someone says "call me if you need anything", I will not call, but if they come and just volunteer to do something, I will gladly accept the help.  This is something I never would have done before, but you can bet I will do it in the future for anyone who needs it.  My friends and family have been so great just jumping in and taking care of us.

I am sure my list will continue to grow as this process continues.  I am just over seven weeks into it, and I have learned a lot more than I ever wanted to know, that is FOR SURE!  I was having a conversation with someone who hasn't ever gone through any of this, and she said "I have never had a conversation like this before", meaning there was a lot she didn't know about the details surrounding a sudden death like Max!  These things have become our "normal" for now as we work through each step.  I don't think I realized how "abnormal" this all is until she said that!