Wesley & Max - always my 2 kids

I have pictures of both Wesley and Max all over the house.  I have always tried to surround myself with them, they are both SO equally loved and valued.  Even at Christmas, I always tried to make sure each kid had the same amount of presents to open under the tree, and I spent the same amount of money on them!

With Max's death, I feel like things are out of balance in that respect.

All the focus is on Max right now, because we will never again have another milestone or achievement with him like we will with Wesley.   I have assured Wesley that this is temporary and will not be this way forever.  Wesley, Todd, & I were all sharing how the side of our facebook has those "photo memories", and how every one of them has Max in them.  That must be because FB was flooded with pictures of Max two months ago when he was killed.

Grieving is an all-consuming process.  We all three have to figure out how to fit "life" into our grieving schedule, not the other way around yet.  I think Wesley has it the hardest because there are hundreds of kids and adults he sees in a day, and very few understand or will talk to him about it.  Grief distorts, and that lack of communication gets interpreted all kinds of ways that are not intended.  Never walking here or having any friends who have, it's hard to know the best ways to help him.

Originally posted as a facebook note on 9/28/10 - I struggle to know how much I can "put out" that relates to Max in my home without making Wesley feel that lack of balance.  I put Max's quilt away after the funeral, and I think I have decided I want it back out again, on display in some way.  I have left all the pictures that were out, and put out some more of both boys.  I think that is okay, I need to see them!   Where does it cross the line into unhealthy?  I guess only the three of us can answer that for ourselves.

When Max was alive, I thought about both my kids all through the day, wondering what they were doing, praying they were safe and making good decisions.  Now that Max is gone, I still think about both my kids.  I am not sure when I will be ready to stop doing that.  Even if he isn't present on this earth, I know he is living in heaven.  In some respects, I know I will have to say goodbye and the relationship will change.  But in other ways, I cannot imagine, it's like literally a part of me is always with him and Wesley, I will always be their mama!