Re-grieving

Nearing the 16 month mark of Max's death, I am no stranger to the grieving process.  I understand the steps of grief - shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance.  I understand that you do not go through one step, check it off your list, and then move to the next step.  Many times, the steps are intertwined and fluid, flowing back and forth through many of them in just one day.   I may live with the strands of each step for the rest of my life.  I have yet to meet one single parent who has lost a child that says "yes, I am over that loss".  Even 20, 30 years out, they say "you never get over it", you just learn to live with the pain better. 

The first few months after Max died, I thought I would literally physically break apart with pain.  I had no idea grief could be so physical.  As the weeks and months go by, the grief landmines are frequent as you hit those "firsts" without that important person.  Your mind REELS trying to understand the hows, the whys, the what-to-do-nows... eventually, I have accepted that my mind will NEVER understand some of that, and there is a kind of acceptance in that.  You become resigned to the fact that time continues marching forward and holidays happen in spite of your loss.  Sometimes it's empowering when you realize you've survived, sometimes it's just simply more depressing.  I cry, not only with my eyes, but with my broken heart, from the depths of my stomach muscles.  More tears than I ever realized a person could make! 


I have been through many losses in my life, job changes, marriage changes, grandparents death, but those are so minor compared to losing Max.  I liken it to trimming your toenails verses cutting off your foot - there is just no comparison.  I don't think I can overstate how completely unprepared I was for the depth of grief I was plunged in to 16 months ago. 

Looking at my grieving process at 15 months, I believe I was dipping my toes in acceptance, mixed with depression and a flare of anger.   Then, my friend Jeanie died in a sudden accident on November 6.  And as I began grieving her loss, something strange happened with my grieving process for Max.  Suddenly I found myself back at denial.  Even some shock again - where I would stare off into space for minutes at a time, only thinking about how he died or back to that first day - only go get shaken out of that by a noise or someone coming in.  I spent MANY days right after Max died staring off into oblivion. 

Then I remembered something that I was told by someone who watched her mom grieve her son, and re-grieve that loss with every single close loss after that over a thirty year span.  The closer the loss, the harder the re-grieving process seemed to be for her mom.  She said she thought her mom was losing her mind when her dad died, she was so consumed with re-grieving the son she had lost so long ago. 

Re-grieving is something different that a "wave" of grief that hits you and you feel like you are going through a setback.  Something else entirely.  It's quite literally going through the steps again.   And Jeanie's death is the first after Max's to come close to me.  To my core group of friends.  To my life.  Reflecting on it, I am hoping that it is like every other "first", and it's 'the worst' and I will get more adept at handling the re-grieving process with each future loss.  

I can't say I'm a fan of re-living that unbearable pain I felt those first few months.  I have gotten better at handling it, so being thrown back into it is not my idea of something I want to do.  I can't find any research on re-grieving, I just know what I was told, and it seems to ring true for me.  I almost feel better knowing it's expected and "normal".   I would love to hear from anyone else that has experience in this.