Control

The sudden death of a loved one strips away all illusions you have of control.  As a parent, I have to say that I always thought I had some degree of control over the safety of my children.  I have wrestled long and hard with God over the fact that I was given no say in the matter of whether Max lived or died that hot August day.  I say that quite seriously, although I am well aware that the Lord of the Universe does not need my permission to do anything, in spite of my claims otherwise over the lives of my children.  

Today, I started on a scavenger hunt.  I certainly didn't start out that way.  I turned a light on and noticed that the front of a picture was dusty.  So I grabbed my swiffer rag, and dusted it, which led to all the pictures sitting on the shelf being dusted, because they were equally in need.  From there, it was a quick jump to the entertainment center, where I noticed some movies that had not been put away.  So I dusted there, and put the movies where they belong.  Which led to noticing that several movies were not alphabetized and were just sitting on the shelf.  So I put them away in alphabetical order, and of course, dusted them.  That only left Todd's desk in that room where everything else had been dusted, so there is where I went next.  That led to cleaning out each drawer, going through each stack, and pitching several things, and re-distributing several things.  You can see where this is going, right?  Each place I took something to put it away, I found another small organizing project that needed done.  I straightened the i-pod drawer, the compassionate friends material drawer, the junk drawer, the coupon basket, the medicine basket that sets in the kitchen, and Max's grave decorations down in his room.   I scrubbed the stove top.  (Next to the coupon basket, hello?)  All from starting out to dust just one picture.  I had a similar experience earlier in the week when I set out to find a strange smell in my bedroom, and ended up organizing and cleaning out every drawer and closet. 

Why the sudden need to hyper-organize?  Reflecting, I believe it has to be tied to my re-grieiving stage (see last night's blog) that I am going through.  I am trying to find and create CONTROL in my environment.  I may not have any say in whether Max lived or died, or Jeanie, or anyone else in the future, but I can certainly make sure the drawers in my house are organized.  Yes, that is where I have control - I have control over my small space, and I have been psycho making sure it's as controlled as possible.

I think, in all seriousness, it might be time for a "check up" with my grief therapist.  I haven't checked in since Jeanie died a month ago.  I will call tomorrow.