I never was a mom who "worried" about her kids. Max & Wesley were both brought up knowing and following the rules, both responsible and full of common sense. I never believed anything could "happen". I am not sure you are ever ready for a state trooper to knock on your door and tell you that your child has been in a fatal accident, but I was so far away from that thought EVER entering my mind, that even as they were telling me, my mind never jumped there until after they had said and confirmed the words.
Until Max's car crash, things like "that" didn't happen to people "I know". When we got the phone call a few weeks ago about Jeanie's sudden fatal accident, that same thought went through my mind - this doesn't happen to people I know - but now it has happened TWICE. Twice.
Tonight, I called Wesley and didn't get any answer. At first, my mind defaulted to "he just didn't answer, no big deal". But then, the physical drop of my stomach as I thought of the morning Todd called Max's phone and he didn't answer. Max had been dead almost an hour at that point, we just didn't know it. Several minutes later, Wesley did answer his phone.
But I couldn't let go of that fear, that feeling that I will never again be able to trust that my world is safe. I saw some car lights when I wasn't expecting them tonight as well. And the *first* thought that went through my mind was "that could be the police coming to tell me bad news".
Oh I don't like living in this world, the world where I am always waiting to see who else is going to die and be taken from me. This is not unfounded fear - this has actually happened to me. Do you suppose the fear ever really goes away?
No comments:
Post a Comment