July 4

July 4 - my family holiday.  Including a vacation, it usually cost more than Christmas did.  The last time we were in our normal holiday spot, Max William was with us.  My pappaw was with us about 30 4th of Julys down there in Oklahoma.

We shot off his fireworks at their graves before we left this year.  That felt very odd and out of sequence.  On the 4th, We did the normal shooting off and spraying up with bug spray.  The people were out and my family, including some extended family, it was almost fun.  Even had homemade ice cream (thanks Michele). 

Can I tell you a secret?   I hate the 4th now.  Most people put the word 'happy' in front of it, maybe that is part of it.  I hate the smells.  I hate that Max isn't there to enjoy it.  I hate it that Pappaw's name is on a beautiful monument he would have loved there.  After the last of the fireworks were lit, I booked it to my cabin, had a shower and sat there and cried.  Not just simple tears, but bawling my eyes out tears.  Will I ever get the joy of the 4th back?  Unknown.  I just know the last five have sucked.