Dream Again

Yesterday I went to my therapist for a 'check-up'.  I've been drifting the past year or so, waiting to see if purpose would just drop in my lap.  I am no longer in the 'active grieving' stage, firmly established in acceptance.  I just have no direction.  I am a stay-at-home mom with no children at home.  My house stays clean.  I take care of my dogs and my husband and myself as best I can.  I have freedom to enjoy many friendships. 

I am available if any of my aging parents ask for help and waiting on a someday-grandchild or two.  So is that enough?  Waiting, drifting?  I suppose it had to be that way for a time.  A time where I was emerging from the long storm started on 8/6/10.  This is the way I had been used to living.

However yesterday, she told me it was time to lift my head and start dreaming again.  I just looked at her blankly.  Dreaming?  Part of me felt fearful.  Did moving forward mean leaving Max in the past?  Honestly, that is partly true - he physically is in my past, but I also carry him with me everywhere I go, just as I do Wesley and Sammie.  She asked about where I saw my life at 47 when I was 27.  I guess I hadn't thought about it.  And when I look 20 years into the future now, I don't want to see years of my life spent waiting.

We've had a lot of storms in Kansas the past month, and for some reason I noticed the birds after these storms.  Even before the last clouds cleared, they were already out, singing their songs and going about their business.   So I have lifted my head and am ready to re-join the flock of life.

We brainstormed a bit, came up with some small ideas, some opportunities I already have going on in my life.  She told me to expand what my mind could conceive for an actual life now.  Dreams?  I have my knee issues that will surely eat up my summer, but then what?   What else ... indeed?