Spark of Life "Living Forward" #4

This is #4 of 5, for the few of you who are reading along with every entry!  This one will be a bit longer, because it contains my BIG "come to Jesus" moment where I found freedom and lost that heavy millstone I had been carrying for two years!

One of the grief activities we completed was a 'relationship story', similar to the loss timeline, we mapped out a timeline of our relationship with the loved one that we'd lost.  Good memories on one side, not so good memories on the other.  The "not so good" side we were to label "resentments" and "regrets".  Resentments are things *they* did to us, and regrets are things *we* did that we would do different/more/better. 

As I started the story, I was having a hard time identifying specific dates or memories of Max.  Of course, I could remember the overall feelings of pride, joy, and love.  I could easily remember his sense of humor as hilarious, his musical talent, and his deep intellect.  When I turned to the other side of the timeline, and started identifying resentments and regrets, my thoughts just came tumbling out.

As I labeled each thing, many things came to light, the biggest of which was that I was ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS with Max for choosing to drive to KC that night.  We had tried to reason with him, that he wouldn't need that futon because in two weeks he was headed to college.  He was hell-bent on getting that thing back - so stubborn, so determined his way was the only right way.  And of course, that decision set off a chain of events that ultimately led to his death and impacted everyone around him.  Now intellectually, I know he did not intend harm with that decision.  And the very day he died, I was told by two people I love that I couldn't blame Max or be mad at Max.  I took that to heart and stuffed it down into my gut, and didn't even realize how much pain that confusion was causing me.  Because somewhere deep inside, I *knew* I was mad at him, but as a "good mom" I couldn't be, right?

So after I wrote that on my timeline, I STOMPED OUT to a pond not too far from the main house and *I LET HIM HAVE IT*.  I called him by his full name "Max William" and I told him how angry I was about that decision and how mad I was at the pain he unintentionally inflicted on my life.  I let it all out and I cried and cried and screamed and stomped.  And then I collapsed on the swing and just bawled my eyes out.  It still brings tears to my eyes to think about that moment.  But it was in those moments of bawling that I realized that it was OKAY that I was mad at him and that it was beyond time for me to let that out!!  I felt a freedom and a weight lifted that I haven't honestly known since he died.  I didn't even know I was repressing that emotion!!

So after I collected myself, I went back inside and finished my relationship story.  And as I was looking at it, I realized that all the negative emotion from those last days were blocking out the good memories - I physically couldn't remember them.  How ironic, since the goal of healing is to be able to recall his life and not his death.  I think if I do this again in a year, the timeline will look much different, because I will have resolved the resentments and regrets (the blog tomorrow will tell you how I did this), and they won't be clouding my vision of Max.  I can't wait to tell you how we were taught to resolve those negative things and let them go ...

In case you are wondering, much of the content taught on the weekend comes from "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  Stay tuned ... I have ONE MORE piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" to share with you all.   Remember, I am just giving you the "overview".  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.