Product of Suffering

Today I had the opportunity to listen to a newly bereaved person who needed a caring ear.   And tonight, I was reflecting on how I was able to minister to this lady.  I didn't try to help her understand "why".  I didn't give her cliche's or answers.  I didn't dismiss away her pain.  I didn't try to solve anything. As a 'type A', not trying to solve is hard!   I just listened.  And offered kind words of affirmation.  This is not something I have always known how to do.  I've *learned* it since Max's death the same way I learn most things - the hard way!  I've really analyzed who/what kind of comforter has given me the best comfort and the many unhelpful comments and ways.  And it's the friend who VALIDATES what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it - no matter how crazy or irrational it is at the time that allows me to feel relief.  Feelings are feelings, and on the road of grief, it doesn't help to hide them or feel shame because you have them.  The freedom to express and be heard is the only way - the best way - to work through them. 

I was sharing all this with Todd tonight, and told him I felt like an expert in grief in some ways.  He said he'd rather not have to know this side of grief, and I understand where he is coming from, I've been there - wouldn't it be great to go back to the innocence of not knowing the trauma of losing a child!  Tonight, however, I was able to appreciate how the suffering I've been through since Max's death has changed me for the better. 

I will *never* be grateful for what I've been through - the cost was far too great - but I can be grateful that God doesn't waste suffering in the life of a believer. 

Romans 5:4 says that "we glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."  To me, that doesn't mean saying "gee God, thanks for the suffering", but it allows me to look at Max's death and say "Thank God some good can come of it".  What would be the point of suffering if all it did was produce misery?  Oh it certainly does that ... but it also shapes character.  I think of a forest that has been scorched by wildfire, everything in sight burned to a crisp.  And yet, new life flourishes from the ashes as time and healing take place.  Yes.


I'm a better comforter.  I'm a better listener.  I have a deeper ability for compassion.  Not because my son died - no, but because of the suffering I've been through because of that death.  I'm grateful for the glimpse into this eternal mystery tonight.