What Can I Do?

What can I do?  This is a question every newly bereaved person begs to know the answer to.  "What can I do" to make the pain go away?  The *only* thing you *can* do?  SELF-CARE.  This may seem like a strange answer, but this is the one and only thing you have control over.

That crazy "to-do" list you had before everything was turned upside down?  It's gone now or at least "on hold" for long awhile.  I learned that being thrown into the deep end of grief is very much like being a toddler again.  You learn to sleep when you can, be awake when you can, and you take life moment to moment.

You force yourself to eat something healthy.  You force yourself to take a walk in the sunshine.  You force yourself to take a bath and brush your teeth.  If you find you cannot do those things on your own, allow someone to help you.  All those people who said "call me if you need something"?  Call them!!  Tell them you need some fresh veggies in your fridge.  Or that you need someone to vent to as you walk today.  Or that you need someone to help you get out of bed.  They truly want to help and don't know what to do! 

Be aware of the thoughts you have - if you tell yourself you 'will never survive', it will be that much harder to actually survive.  I started repeating over and over "thank you Lord that Max is safely in heaven with You".  Did I feel that?  Not always, no.  But as I started repeating that and saying it to the heavens, God started reinforcing that beautiful thought into my heart and mind.

Each moment will bring with it waves of denial, anger, depression, questions, and gut-wrenching anguish.  Roll with the moment.   Let yourself cry.  I hear many say "if I start to cry, I fear I may never stop".  Don't worry - you will stop.  And start again.  And stop again.  Your body instinctively knows what it needs.  You have to start listening to it.  See your doctor right away and ask for sleeping pills.  Don't worry about becoming addicted.  You absolutely MUST have sleep or your grief and pain will intensify greatly.  Go get a massage.  Yes, it will feel selfish and pointless.  But your body is tied up in knots and you will benefit.

You are now in survival mode and have to learn to take care of yourself.   As you do these seemingly small steps of self-care, you will learn how to grieve.  Don't think about how you are going to make it through the week or month or holidays or years ... just concentrate on what you can do to take care of yourself IN THIS MOMENT.  And the moments begin to add up and pass, and you find that you are moving forward and learning to live with the pain.