Bittersweet

This is why most of my blogs are written in the middle of the night.  I lay down in the darkness and my mind starts wandering through the feelings of the day.  If it was a day like today, those thoughts are usually accompanied by a headache and the inability to breathe.  Todd fell into bed when he got home, having worked most of the 22 hours he was awake.  He said he hated leaving me alone tonight knowing the state of grief I was in.  I told him I wasn't alone, I had about 50 people on facebook right by my side commenting and sending me messages!!

The letter we received today can only be described as bittersweet.  I've never really understood that phrase.  Some of the 'bitter', I've only shared with a couple of ladies tonight who voiced those same thoughts and feelings after reading the letter.  I'm only human, after all, and would much prefer to have Max all together in one piece, whole and alive on this earth.  I've never been a great spokesman for organ/tissue donation, it's always been with mixed emotions that I've agreed it's the best thing to happen after a death like Max's.  The 'sweet' part is that if I had to lose Max anyway, at least there are many others who have been blessed in this way and a physical part of him lives on in them.   Truly, I am grateful for that.  All that I have learned about organ/tissue donation since Max's death has only furthered my resolve that it *is* the right decision.  I've heard many stories from recipients and I've seen for myself the benefits.

I've been in some rough waters the last month.  But I haven't had a day like today in a long time.  I've been drinking water tonight to try and replenish some of what I cried out earlier.  Those first few weeks I couldn't take in enough to balance out what was being cried out.  I don't miss those days.  Things will smooth back out barring any further landmines I don't know about.  I've said this before, but I'm ready for some steady ground.  Thank you to those who continue walking beside me and behind me and in front of me, shouting out encouragement, never tiring of hearing me talk about my broken heart.  I couldn't do this without you!