Originally posted on facebook 9/11/11 - Grief is a strange bedfellow when it comes to decision making.

First of all, grief sucks the energy and motivation right out of you.  Tears come at random times all day, long-hidden guilt rears it's ugly head at the dumbest times, one wrong smell or sight and you are headed into a tailspin.   For me, that also means my headache is along for the ride, which makes things even more unbearable.  But aside from the roller-coaster of the emotion, there is this dialogue running all along when a decision has to be made.

Take today for example:  Wesley is in a horrible mood and in desperate need of a nap and getting some long-neglected chores done.  But he was invited to the state fair and to spend the night with a friend.  Money is a little tight right now, so the expense of going to the fair for the day isn't a good one.  But here is the personal dialogue in my head:  "If Wesley were to die tomorrow, which decision would leave no room for regret"?  When framed that way, the choice is obvious - he is going to the fair.  (Which he did).  The problem with making decisions this way is many things stay "undone"  ... the house suffers, the grades suffer, the checkbook suffers.  And the ironic things is ... grief takes away the ability to give a flying flip that those things are undone ... which makes a BIGGER mess when you finally have to face them and get things back in order.

I have had a few people in my life lately gently "suggest" indirectly that I am "choosing" my mindset and there are "things" I can do to get headed in the right direction.  Frankly, I would have been one of those people before Max died.  I would have looked at ME, 13 months after a death, and said "she needs to get it together".  What an education I have had ... there is no such thing ... the "experts" in grieving the loss of a child tell me it's perfectly NORMAL to feel the tailspin for two solid years after the death of a child.  I am in a support group, I am in counseling, and I *am* doing some things that move me "forward".  But it is NOT POSSIBLE to "get it together".  This is my reality.  Please be patient with me, I am doing the best I can.  Max's death forever altered the path I am on.  My house and my checkbook may never be the same ...