I am in a dark place right now. A very dark place. Many people in grief say their "give a damn" is busted. Mine isn't just busted, it's completely gone, nowhere to be found. I have to go and buy a new one someday maybe, although at this point I don't want one anyway.
I have stopped opening bills & bank statements for weeks now in spite of knowing that my bank account is a mess. My counselor said I am in denial that the world is moving forward in spite of my monumental loss. I can usually analyze why I am doing something and see some truth in it, but not right now. I think that must be part of what I am missing. I simply do not CARE why I am doing it, I just don't give a flying flip. I could never pay another bill forever, what are they going to do to me that is worse than Max dying? Nothing.
I do not care what I look like or whether I have clean clothes to wear. Or if my hair is brushed. Or if I have food in the fridge. Or if my house is picked up. I do not enjoy working, I do not enjoy being around other people, I do not enjoy music or games or anything fun. I find it all incredibly annoying. I want isolation. I want quiet. I want sleep, although sleep brings me no peace, just bad dreams, just headaches when I wake up. I want to be left alone, but I want GRIEF to leave me alone too.
I have no hope right now, nothing to look forward to on this earth. I do not look forward to Wesley growing up and going to college and having kids, because I looked forward to those things with both boys and then suddenly Max was dead and those dreams were crushed for his future. So yes, I will enjoy those things when they come with Wesley, but I will not pin my hopes on them happening because I do not want them to be taken away from me if anything else bad should happen. And yeah, I get that my hope is in heaven and that I have Max in my memories. IT IS NOT ENOUGH some days.
I made it through all the "firsts" that come with the first year after a death. And guess what? MAX STAYED DEAD. Now I have to do it all again ... every single year ... for the rest of my freakin life. Well that sounds just too overwhelming. The second year looms and I don't WANT to do it all again without him. It's not fair that I have to. That ANY OF US have to.
I am *not* suicidal, I am not clinically depressed and I am working through all of my feelings with my counselor, so please don't misinterpret this note and save me from any religious platitudes if you don't want to be deleted off my friends list. But I am weary of trying to find the positive in grief, of trying to move forward and heal. Not all days are like that. Some days it just simply sucks, there is nothing good to be found, and I believe that has to be a normal part of grieving the death of a child. Today is just one of those days.
1 comment:
After the death of my husband in 2009, I was constantly told that getting through the first year would be the hardest. I so welcomed when year two began thinking that I would feel better. However, I felt worse as reality set in and I realized that every year would bring pain. BUT, somewhere around the 18th month, I began to experience the thought that my husband was in a wonderful place and he would be sad if he knew that i was still lingering in sorrow. SLOWLY, energy and interest in the future began to seep into my life. SLOWLY, but it did. It will be 2 years next month and there are still "grief bursts" that occur, but I acknowledge them, give myself time to absorb the feeling of the moment, and then continue with my day. Grief will never end, but it will fade and allow us to live in the present and be thankful for our past and our future. I pray that you will soon have brighter days. Think of your grief as a place that you are visiting, but will not live in forever. Prayers to you and your family.
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