First Year Without Max

The first year of Max’s death, here is just a taste of what we lived through…

• The first week without him – the trauma of hearing the news, going to the funeral home, going to the crash site, seeing Max’s lifeless body, going to his funeral, then Wesley starting school the very next week!
• Max’s remains being cremated and interred at the chapel at Resthaven on the second day of school for Wesley.
• Taking care of all the flowers & plants from the funeral until they all died off.
• Living in a complete numb fog for months.
• What would have been Max’s move in day at Bethany and then his first day of college that he never attended.  Also attending convocation & Bethany’s first band concert where they dedicated a song to Max.
• Receiving the letters from the transplant center and eye bank after Max’s donations.
• Cleaning out and selling Max’s car.
• Gathering funds for Max’s memorial marimba at Heights
• Ordering Max’s gravestone and paying off his funeral bill.
• Returning all the things that we bought to send off to college with Max.
• Living through all the details a death brings … thank you notes, car titles, bank accounts, insurance, death certificates.
• Counting the days, and then the weeks, that Max has been gone.
• Football & marching band season starting up
• The major struggle of finding a way to handle grief & the sophomore year of school with Wesley
• The literal physical pain that is caused when you lose a child.  Pain from head to toe, not just heartache, that word doesn’t even do the pain justice.
• Reading Max’s  death certificate, reading his autopsy, reading his accident report.
• Waking up first thing in the morning, or right after a nap, and having to re-orient myself to the fact that Max is dead.  It took weeks of this for my mind to adjust.
• Adjusting to the comfort level of friends around grief and having to adjust whether I could be around them at this time of deep pain or not.
• Returning to work several weeks after Max died.
• Finding Max’s written plans for a wedding with Trinity & his college packing list and realizing that neither of those two things would ever happen for him.
• Accepting the fact that Trinity would never officially be my daughter-in-law.
• Re-living the day of the accident in my head over and over and over until my mind accepted these details as fact.
• Nightmares, many many sleepless nights, tears cried in the darkness
• Happy dreams of Max, then waking up realizing he is still gone
• Finding Max’s name on the social security death index list.
• Learning to accept and live with all of the crazy thoughts & emotions that go along with grief.
• Changing the grave decorations for every season.
• Learning healthy ways to express ANGER over how UNFAIR life really is
• Going on our first trip without Max – camping Labor Day 2010.  A miserable trip emotionally.
• Helping Trinity pack up her apartment and move back to Wichita from Kansas City.
• Realizing Max’s “middle age” year was when he was NINE
• Our first Halloween without Max.  No tombstones or skeletons in our decorations!!  We did put out a few pumpkins, but it was extremely hard to want to do anything at all for this.
• Figuring out the name of my blog and possible future book – Normal Died With Max.
• Trinity turning 19, knowing that Max would never hit that milestone
• First Thanksgiving without Max.
• Christmas shopping, not buying any presents for Max
• Kicking & screaming at God, telling Him that I did not want this life!!
• Decorating for Christmas, deciding whether to put up Max’s stocking or not.
• Living through the scary weeks and months of shock, denial, guilt.
• Watching our bodies age so drastically from the grief.  Todd’s beard turned completely white after Max died.  We all have dark circles under our eyes.  And we look so *old* in photos now.
• Heights basketball games
• Compassionate Friends candle light service, held in my freezing back yard!
• Our first Christmas eve & Christmas day without Max.  Absolutely horrid for me.  Worse than I could have ever imagined it would be.
• Wesley attended Chrysalis knowing he would not receive a letter from Max on this flight.
• New Years Eve.  Felt like leaving my son in 2010 since that is when he was last alive.  Another horrid first holiday.
• Many snow days.  Followed some of Max’s friends on FB who are off at college, watching them play in the dorms instead of out in the snow, just wondering what Max would have been doing if he had a snow day in college.
• Started Kidzcope grief program
• Todd, Pam, and Wesley each had a birthday
• Spending time down in Max’s room with his things, sorting through everything, touching everything, grieving and crying.
• Counting the weeks since Max died … and then not counting because there have been so many weeks that have gone by.
• First Valentine’s day without Max.
• Figuring out that Max’s dental records were destroyed when we notified them of his death.  Getting the first notice in the mail for his eye exam because we forgot to tell the eye dr!
• Attended the NAPO conference in San Diego – first major trip since Max died.
• Months of counseling for everyone in the family as we learn to live with grief
• Filing Max’s taxes for him
• Todd & Wesley going on the jazz band trip
• Todd playing the new marimba in the spring band concert at Heights
• Easter
• RITZ
• Mothers Day, Fathers Day = minus one son!!
• Heights graduation
• First memorial day decorating my sons grave
• First river festival without Max
• Max’s birthday
• 4th of July without Max
• The suicide of a fellow grieving mother and friend, Kim Byers
• Anticipating, then hitting, the one year mark of his death

Here are some of the many ways God has comforted us during this first year …

• Sending an endless stream of family and friends that first week with food, cleaning supplies, flowers, pictures, hugs, support, and encouragement.
• Sending thunder at the beginning of Max’s viewing, forever solidifying thunder as a sign of love and faithfulness to our family.
• Sending other grieving parents into our life for support and encouragement.
• Finding the Compassionate Friends group here in Wichita, as well as online.
• Sending Scriptures and praise music every moment we looked for comfort.
• Finding my support group for moms who have lost older children.
• Sending love and support from Bethany College in many different ways.
• Providing funds so that we did not have the funeral bill outstanding.
• Sending food from friends for weeks and weeks after Max died.
• Friends who send constant encouragement, cards, notes, and facebook messages.
• A grocery fairy!
• A marching band routine that honored Max.
• A band teacher that faithfully grabbed on to Wesley and wouldn’t let go until he had the support he needed at Heights
• Many wonderful grief books that were both given to me and purchased, including “Tear Soup”
• The realization that God uses both life & death to glorify Him.
• Giving me two understanding, flexible co-workers!
• Happy moments with Wesley – him getting his letter jacket, watching him perform musically
• Friends willing to do whatever we need, when we need it!
• Finding that my prayers had turned from “NO, I do not want this life” to “Tell me how to live this life, Lord”.  That was a major turning point in my grief.
• A huge financial gift from our friends allowing us to go to Great Wolf Lodge for our Thanksgiving.
• 504 plan for Wesley at school, allowing special services for his grief
• Friends helping put up all the Christmas decorations at my house
• The blessings that came from the “gift for Max” facebook campaign – instead of  buying a gift for Max this Christmas, I had people do a random act of kindness in his name instead.
• Hearing the ways Max touched lives at the candle light service right before Christmas.
• The 12 days of Christmas – what a huge blessing!!  12 solid days leading up to Christmas where our friends gave us gifts each day.  This gave me something to look forward to and brought happiness into a very sad holiday season.
• A beautiful  Christmas wreath made in honor of Max from a family at church
• The physical pain of grief finally letting up after the holiday season.
• Max honored with a rose on the float at the Rose Bowl Parade
• Wesley attending Chrysalis!
• A beautiful marimba purchased with Max’s memorial money, that will bless Heights for many years to come!
• Lots of studying about what heaven is, what the bible says about death, and learning peace in God’s Sovereignty where Max’s death is concerned
• The blessing of getting to know and love Haley.
• Knowing Max has the best valentine ever because of John 3:16
• First signs of spring were blooming yellow flowers around Max’s crosses in the back garden
• A fellow grieving mom and dear friend to stay with at the NAPO conference
• My first real feeling of joy since Max died = watching Wesley play trombone during worship on Easter morning
• RITZ blessings, a song dedicated to Max, my husband & Wesley both performing!
• THE BIRDHOUSE PROJECT, a true tool for rebuilding and finding hope and peace after loss
• Todd’s song published on the David Holland Band CD honoring Max
• Harry Potter marathon with some good friends, a highlight of the summer!
• Many gifts and cards leading up to the anniversary of his death
• Many acts of service to our family surrounding the anniversary of his death
• Romans 8:28 wall on facebook
• THUNDER all night long starting after midnight on the 6th!  Like hugs from heaven!