My therapist calls them "linking objects". I just call it Max's death bin. The bin holds the things I have collected that surround his death. The clothes he was wearing when he was killed. His shoes (one of which still has grass and some pieces of glass from the windshield inside it). The clothes he wore in the casket before he was cremated. The notebook stuffed with papers including his death certificates, the organ/tissue donation paperwork, the receipts from Resthaven, the car insurance papers, the lawsuit paperwork from the passenger that was killed in the same accident, his autopsy, his accident report. The list of people who visited that week and brought us things. His glasses, which are scratched and bent up from the wreck. His billfold, his cell phone. Ribbons off the flowers that people sent us. The drumsticks a friend put in his casket. Gifts that were given to us to help us through his death, such as a book or a hand held cross. The candle that was lit at Bethany College at their convocation in Max's honor. Drawings that friends and family had done (Haley & Wesley). The letter Max had just written my mom asking her for my grandmothers ring to give to Trinity. Newspaper clippings about the wreck. His obituary in the paper. His funeral program from the funeral home. The boxes that our cremation jewelry came in.
I mentioned the death bin to my therapist some weeks ago, and she started asking me questions about what was in there, and why I might have thought those things were important. So I brought the bin today to our session and we went through it. Her insights were really interesting. She said she could tell what was really important to me by the way I handled the item, or by the way my demeanor changed when I picked it up. For instance, the clothes Max was wearing in the casket still smell like a funeral home and I had a physical response to them. His glasses I caressed and didn't even realize it. And then some things I just picked up and breezed right through or didn't even bother to take them out of the bin. She picked up on so much of my unspoken body language. We didn't have a lot of time after going through the bin to verbally process, so I will be anxious for our next session to continue talking about these things.
Remembering his LIFE and not his DEATH is such an important part of healing. At first, his death was all my mind could handle until I could understand how it all happened, it was so sudden. I imagine down the line some time, I will not keep many of the things in the death bin. They will gently be let go of, as I let go of the awful images of Max's battered body. The therapist said at first, we cling to and grab on to everything possible to link us to that person (that is why they are called linking objects). As time goes by, we start to see what is truly important to us. I think also, at first, I was so afraid I would FORGET, and I wanted to save EVERYTHING so that I wouldn't forget. Now as time goes on and the fog is clearing, I am starting to see I will never forget the important things and the love I have for Max - it will never go away. I do not need those horrible pieces of his death to hold on to his life.
I mentioned the death bin to my therapist some weeks ago, and she started asking me questions about what was in there, and why I might have thought those things were important. So I brought the bin today to our session and we went through it. Her insights were really interesting. She said she could tell what was really important to me by the way I handled the item, or by the way my demeanor changed when I picked it up. For instance, the clothes Max was wearing in the casket still smell like a funeral home and I had a physical response to them. His glasses I caressed and didn't even realize it. And then some things I just picked up and breezed right through or didn't even bother to take them out of the bin. She picked up on so much of my unspoken body language. We didn't have a lot of time after going through the bin to verbally process, so I will be anxious for our next session to continue talking about these things.
Remembering his LIFE and not his DEATH is such an important part of healing. At first, his death was all my mind could handle until I could understand how it all happened, it was so sudden. I imagine down the line some time, I will not keep many of the things in the death bin. They will gently be let go of, as I let go of the awful images of Max's battered body. The therapist said at first, we cling to and grab on to everything possible to link us to that person (that is why they are called linking objects). As time goes by, we start to see what is truly important to us. I think also, at first, I was so afraid I would FORGET, and I wanted to save EVERYTHING so that I wouldn't forget. Now as time goes on and the fog is clearing, I am starting to see I will never forget the important things and the love I have for Max - it will never go away. I do not need those horrible pieces of his death to hold on to his life.
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