Max's Birthday

Passed another "first" milestone since Max's death ... his birthday. 

He was killed just weeks after his 18th birthday, and I have known since that day that he would never turn 19.   But as the reality of that sank in this week, it made me physically sick to my stomach.  His young death felt so *wrong*, but after 6/21/11, it became more so ... because he wasn't alive to age.  As I anticipated the day, I kept telling myself that thousands of other grieving parents lived through their children's birthdays, I would too.  I haven't felt that hopeless in many months.  I truly questioned how parents managed to get through that day ... supposed to be a celebration, but how could it be? 

Focusing on his life, rather than his death, has always been a key to healing for me.  So I started digging through pictures, pulling out all of his past birthday photos.  Instead of helping, it seemed to just heighten the grief.  As I scanned each photo, tears poured out of my eyes.  The longing to hear his voice and his laughter increased.   We went to his grave, and hung decorations with birthday wishes.  Instead of feeling peace, I felt *robbed*, that he was not here with his family.  Wishing someone "happy birthday" in heaven is NOT the same as wishing them "happy birthday" in person, for sure!


The day came, and I had well over 100 messages, phone calls, fb postings and probably many more prayers going up for us.  I was numb most of the day, just going through the motions.  We watched baby videos of when Max was first born all the way through the first couple of years.  We laughed and enjoyed them, but it seemed surreal that it was really his birthday.  My mom brought over balloons for his cross in my garden.  We went to dinner with close family.  We read the birthday cards he received last year.  He had tucked them away on his bookshelf. 

I kept waiting for something to happen.  I don't know what.  Just a piece of acceptance, I suppose, that it was his birthday and he wasn't there.  I didn't really get that.  Truthfully, it was just the same as every other day.  Lousy that he isn't here with us, trying to survive and build anew.   Normal died with Max, and I don't suppose 6/21 will ever feel normal again.