CF Question of the Day

Submitted by Karen Knobel Gloyd on the Compassionate Friends facebook page today:  "In the moment we can't usually think clear of what we need (because what we need we can't have...that's our child) and they (others) have no clue how to help! It might be nice to compile a list that people who have a friend who lost a child could read and get an idea of how to help! Because trying to think of what to ask for--or getting the courage to ask for--is too much for many of us! For me, I wish they had continued to bring meals for awhile longer...What do you wish people had done for you?"

Reading the hundreds of responses to this question is heartbreaking.  As I said in an earlier note this week (FRIENDS), I feel incredibly blessed.  There isn't one thing that I needed that my friends didn't provide, or someone stepped up and handled for me.  Even now, almost 11 months later, I still have people reaching out to me, bringing me a meal, offering to grocery shop, etc.

There are things I wish I *knew* back then that I know now, but my list is very short and there is nobody who dropped the ball, it's just things I have learned from experience and time.

I wish someone had told me the funeral director is not in charge, we are.  We were decisive, but if I had a clear head, I might have asked other questions, or made different decisions.  I wouldn't have waited until three days later to see him, I might have driven up to Topeka to see him in the morgue before he had all that horrid makeup on and was stiff.

I wish someone had told me that whatever I chose for Max's funeral would forever be associated with that sad event.  There are certain songs, clothes, food, smells, sounds, places ... that will always remind me of that day now.  Instead of being happy, they are tainted with sadness.

I wish someone had stopped me from picking up his room and washing his laundry.

I wish someone had told me to say "goodbye" to his body the night of the viewing, because there was no time to do it the day of the funeral, there were just too many people around.

I wish someone had taken pictures at the funeral, much like a photographer at a wedding.  I don't mean morbid pictures, but of the event.  We did get pictures of the flowers the day after, but by then, many of the family and friends that had traveled headed home.  Looking back, I wish I had gotten a photo of the quad drums that the Heights band had set up with 4 purple roses on it, one for each year he was in the drum line, things like that.

The help I had that week was tremendous, and the support I continue to have is amazing.  Sometimes I still cannot believe this is my life and that Max really died in a car accident.