It all started because I mentioned how *safe* I felt sleeping anywhere else but my own bed. I had just come back from a weekend in KC. So my counselor and I started brainstorming what it might be ... the room, the temperature, the bed, the darkness, the smells, the sounds ....
Max left Thursday night after work, close to midnight on his way to Kansas City on 8/5/10. I was already in my own bed, laying in the dark. He stood in the frame of my bedroom door, talking to me, as he had many other nights since graduation. That was the last time I saw Max alive. The very next morning, the troopers came to my door, telling me there had been an accident on the turnpike and that Max had been killed. And the rest, as they say, is history.
That fateful Friday, we were so exhausted, we had all cried way too many tears...the house was jammed with people, and it had been one awful decision after another, telling one person after another, seeing them each go into shock and grief as we had when we got the news. Finally falling into bed about 2am, I remember very distinctly not wanting to turn off the light. I told Todd that if I turned off the light, then the first day of Max being dead would be over ... and he said ... the day is over and Max is dead whether you turn the light off or not. Then as I shut off the lamp, the only sound I could hear was Trinity crying in Max's room where she was eventually going to fall asleep.
I haven't had many good nights of sleep since that Thursday, 8/5. The nightmares stopped for me after the first few months, yet sleep still escapes me ... and in my last counseling session, we might have unlocked a big piece of why! My counselor said that my bedroom, the bed, the lamp ... the laying in bed ... was all part of the trauma of that day. The last sounds I hear coming from Max's room were not of Max, they were of Max's DEATH through the cries of a brokenhearted girl. The last time I saw him alive is burned into my memory. And so I have carried that little piece of trauma, unsorted and undealt with.
So .... I re-arranged my bedroom!! I replaced the lamp!! I switched out my comforter and the decorations on the headboard and made it into a whole new room!! I put a new reed diffuser in there for a new smell. And immediately after moving the bed, Todd & I both had a huge sense of relief! The counselor also suggested I get some music that Max would have picked and blast it down in his room at bedtime ... and let THAT sound come up through our vents. Change all of our sensory input in the bedroom .... sights, smells, sounds ... and it seems to be working!
The death of a child is like a puzzle EXPLODING ... you have pieces of grief EVERYWHERE and they are not all in tact! 10 months later, a very small piece has now been dealt with and can be put into place on my crisis wall (see birdhouse project notes). I pray that this is truly the answer to my lack of sleep issues. I feel like I am never getting rid of the bags under my eyes!!
Max left Thursday night after work, close to midnight on his way to Kansas City on 8/5/10. I was already in my own bed, laying in the dark. He stood in the frame of my bedroom door, talking to me, as he had many other nights since graduation. That was the last time I saw Max alive. The very next morning, the troopers came to my door, telling me there had been an accident on the turnpike and that Max had been killed. And the rest, as they say, is history.
That fateful Friday, we were so exhausted, we had all cried way too many tears...the house was jammed with people, and it had been one awful decision after another, telling one person after another, seeing them each go into shock and grief as we had when we got the news. Finally falling into bed about 2am, I remember very distinctly not wanting to turn off the light. I told Todd that if I turned off the light, then the first day of Max being dead would be over ... and he said ... the day is over and Max is dead whether you turn the light off or not. Then as I shut off the lamp, the only sound I could hear was Trinity crying in Max's room where she was eventually going to fall asleep.
I haven't had many good nights of sleep since that Thursday, 8/5. The nightmares stopped for me after the first few months, yet sleep still escapes me ... and in my last counseling session, we might have unlocked a big piece of why! My counselor said that my bedroom, the bed, the lamp ... the laying in bed ... was all part of the trauma of that day. The last sounds I hear coming from Max's room were not of Max, they were of Max's DEATH through the cries of a brokenhearted girl. The last time I saw him alive is burned into my memory. And so I have carried that little piece of trauma, unsorted and undealt with.
So .... I re-arranged my bedroom!! I replaced the lamp!! I switched out my comforter and the decorations on the headboard and made it into a whole new room!! I put a new reed diffuser in there for a new smell. And immediately after moving the bed, Todd & I both had a huge sense of relief! The counselor also suggested I get some music that Max would have picked and blast it down in his room at bedtime ... and let THAT sound come up through our vents. Change all of our sensory input in the bedroom .... sights, smells, sounds ... and it seems to be working!
The death of a child is like a puzzle EXPLODING ... you have pieces of grief EVERYWHERE and they are not all in tact! 10 months later, a very small piece has now been dealt with and can be put into place on my crisis wall (see birdhouse project notes). I pray that this is truly the answer to my lack of sleep issues. I feel like I am never getting rid of the bags under my eyes!!
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