The Birdhouse Project PART 2

Today I drove home from Kansas City and decided I would take the turnpike.  I am tired of the PTSD symptom of avoiding things that remind me of Max's death.  So like any stubborn, hard-headed person, I decided the only way was to charge right in and just do it.  Driving in the car alone gives me a lot of time to think.  Since Max's death, honestly, I have avoided doing so, even for short times because of the pain in the thoughts, the tapes that run over and over in my head of the wreck, Max's dead body, and how drastically life has changed now that he isn't here on this earth.  But after my workshop yesterday, I found it incredibly productive to have that three hours alone to continue processing what I took in while building my birdhouse.

(Please read the birdhouse note part 1 before reading on...)  One of the things stated in the workshop is that the "crisis" piece and the "regret" piece are intentionally put on the sides of the birdhouse ... so these two things are in your peripheral vision ... on purpose ... always in sight and obviously part of your life and your space, but not the focus.  The affirmation piece is the back wall - this is supposed to be what I see when I get up in the morning, and the goals piece is the last thing I see as I "fly" out of my safe space into my new world.  As I was anticipating driving by the exact spot Max died on the turnpike, I had an "ah-ha" moment.  I wasn't looking at the affirmation wall .. I was turned toward the CRISIS wall.  But wait a minute - that is supposed to be in my peripheral vision, not my focus!!  Wow...

I believe early in your crisis, in your grief, you have to face the crisis wall.  You have to make sure all the pieces are examined, dealt with, and put in place.  I had to understand Max's wreck, Max's death, what caused it, how it happened, why it happened, I had to process what he went through, what his body went through until the time it was placed in his grave.  I had to process where Max IS now, what he may be doing now in heaven, and part of facing the crisis wall is understanding all the ways your life is changed.  But as I was driving today, I realized that I pretty much have those pieces down.  SO WHY AM I STILL PLAYING THOSE TAPES IN MY HEAD AND TORTURING MYSELF WITH FACING THE CRISIS WALL rather than turning and facing the rebuilding pieces instead?  Yes, there is a time and place for facing that piece, and nobody can say how long it takes to make sure that wall is fully processed ... could be weeks, or months, or years, depending on many factors.

But I think I am ready to make a conscious choice to stop playing those tapes in my head now that I understand what I needed to understand, and choose to face the affirmation wall and the goals wall instead before I fly out into the new world ... my safe birdhouse is always there for me.  I will start with just a few minutes of freedom a day, and work my way up.

So when I drove by the exact spot that Max took his last breath on earth, I stopped my car and took out my journal, and I wrote down two major decisions that I have been wrestling with and finally *made* them.  I shared them with Todd, and can't really share them with you here (not the place) but they are *moving forward* decisions.  And The Birdhouse Project helped me get to the place that I can truly make these choices and feel peace.  Then I blew Max a kiss from the spot he died, and drove on feeling much lighter.