TAKE IT BACK

I was crying out tonight, praying to God, and got SO MAD ... I yelled at him to TAKE IT BACK!!  Then I thought how silly I must look, after 7 months to ask God to take back Max's death ... it's probably too late ... I said to myself that it was too late at 7:33 am on 8/6/10 ... one minute after the crash ... it was too late.  What DOES God think when he looks down and sees a mom's broken-hearted cries?  He takes pity, He sends comfort?  Oh how I wish that eased the pain short-term.  I have faith that it will long-term.  The Psalms have become my "go to" place in the bible.  There are so many words there for a mama who is suffering.

Last night I found a letter that Max wrote.  Part of his entrance to Bethany College, he was writing an essay on why he should be accepted into the honors program.  His arrogance cracked me up ... it was SO MAX.  "I would really like to get into the honors program even though it probably will not help me vocationally.  It would really help me to keep enjoying school because of the challenge".  The whole letter talks about how easy school is for him and how he intentionally took the hardest classes to keep it interesting.  He talks about how FUN calculus was (yeah, he really was my kid, honest).   Those professors must have laughed when they read that he didn't think the honors program would help him vocationally, he just wanted to do it because it would be fun!!  I have just been left with a feeling today of the WASTE ... such a bright mind ... just gone.  The earth will never benefit from Max's wisdom or ideas ... only what he left us in the 18 years he was here.

I will never forget Max's calculus shirt that he wore all the time ... I thought he was so cool wanting to wear a math shirt ... OBVIOUSLY, I do not know calculus, because the equation added up to something sexual, which he thought was hilarious at 18.  He also thought it was hilarious to TELL ME what the shirt really meant.  All I could say was "oh".