Max's Room

7 1/2 months after Max's death, and his room is essentially the same as the day he died.  As I would go through the house and find his things, I would take them down and add them to his room.  He had a memorabilia bin that is filled with all the treasures of his young life that used to be in the storage room that is now in his room, as well as two other bins - one for high school treasures including his letter jacket, and one for his death that includes his funeral CD, the cards we received, the clothes he was wearing when he died ... things like that.

Todd, Wesley, & I are all at different places in our grieving, and how we deal with Max's room is no exception.  I love to spend time down there, I go down about once a week or so.  I think the room still smells like him.  I like to look at his stuff, it makes me feel closer to him.  Todd gets physically ill when he goes down there.  He needed a new drumstick bag and I suggested he get Max's - it's in great shape and obviously not being used.  But that not only includes USING Max's bag, it includes emptying it.  I know for me, it is harder to disassemble his things because it feels like we are disassembling his life, which we know is now gone.  If the bag had been empty, Todd may have had an easier time taking it for use.  He ended up just buying a new one.

Max's clothes are another struggle.  Todd, Wesley, and Max are all essentially the same size.  Todd took Max's shorts almost immediately and started wearing them, which freaked me right out.  More so to find them in the laundry than to see them on Todd.  I asked Todd if he would only wear them at the gym so I wouldn't have to see them.  But to Todd, wearing Max's clothing is a comfort, as I have found with many other grieving parents. 

Wesley seems mixed as well.  Some things he doesn't mind using of Max's, others are NOT okay to use and must remain Max's.  He has been learning percussion and plays on Max's drums all the time, but needs a new wallet and will not take Max's brand new one.  (Which also needs disassembled, probably part of the reason?)


7 1/2 months later, the professional organizer in me wants to say it is time to start thinking about packing up his room.  The floor is starting to get dusty.  I won't clean down there, it would feel like wiping away his smell!!  But the mom in me is NOT READY.  It will be hard for Todd, Wesley, and I to all get on or near the same page for a decision of when it might be time to start packing up Max's room.  And I think it is perfectly okay to leave it for as long as we need. 

I have certainly had a major perspective change on what is acceptable in grief.  It takes as long as it takes ... and losing a child changes many of the rules that most people think of when it comes to grieving.  Everything takes LONGER because the death is so out of order and unnatural to process.  I am learning to let go of my expectations, both of grief and of myself and just go with the process.