What is "NORMAL"?

Everyone talks about the "new normal" after you lose a child. I don't believe "normal" will ever return to my house after my 18 year old son, Max, was killed in a car crash on 8/6/10. "Normal Died With Max", and this blog is about the life I have without him.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

A Mama's Broken Heart

After having several calm days, I suppose the storm was due.  I have moved out of the shock and acute grief that happens immediately after losing a child, and I am firmly into the depression and feeling sorry for myself stage.

I went down to Max's room to put away his winter grave decoration and decided to spend a few minutes exploring his closet.  I have been through all of his clothes, but hadn't touched the stuff that was stacked on top of his shelf.  Inside an old cowboy hat, I found a hat that he had bought in Jamaica ... I thought it was long gone, that he had gotten rid of it.  I was so happy to find it ... of course I started bawling!!

Then I was just REALLY REALLY MAD that something so random and so fast could wipe Max off the face of the earth, leaving his stuff to collect dust.  To never need shoes or clothing again.  Then I cried and screamed at the injustice.  Part of grief is working through the 'why' ... and 'how' ... and I just have to ACCEPT that the injustice is there and I have to make peace with it.  WELL IT SUCKS.  And it is not fair.  And every other grieving parent I know feels this way, no matter the age of their child or how their child died.

The acute grief stage is over ... I truly wondered if I was going to survive it.  When I went from that to knowing I would make it but not sure how ... I knew the worst of it was over.  But the waves of unbearable pain still come and knock me off my feet.  The stab in the gut and obsessing about his death ... those are still there, but not constant.

I am so grateful for the grieving moms I have in my life that are much further down the line who continue to give me hope.  I do have rays of sunshine that come through my darkness every once and awhile, and for that I am glad.   I do not mean to always sound so doom and gloom.  This is just a rough ride and I hate it with every ounce of my being.  Normal died with Max, and I never knew how normal my life was until my son died ...

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