Originally posted 2/7/11 - After six months of dealing with Max's death, you would think I would have thicker skin. I thought I had heard nearly every comment that could inflict a wound (and gracious, I could write a book on all that I have heard). I received an email this week that hit me wrong, and when I asked Wesley & Todd if I was just taking it the wrong way, the answer was a resounding "NO". In the email, this friend told me there was a big world waiting out there for me and when I was ready to re-join it she would be there. I wanted to punch her right through the computer.
I wish I still lived in the innocence and ignorance believing that someone could "leave behind" grief and re-join the world that was turning before 'the death''. Guess what, this IS my world. And I do not EVER plan on re-joining the world that existed before Max died. That world is NOW DEAD. The world where I was going to have grandchildren soon because Max & Trinity were getting married. The world where I could sit down at the end of the day and sigh and think "everything is right with the world". The world where I had one kid in college and one in high school and we had many activities revolving around them both. The world where my biggest worries now pale in comparison. The world where my job was important and how my house looked. And how dare she offer to be there ONLY when I re-join that world. I have news for you friend, I need people NOW in THIS world. Thankfully, many have stepped up where many others have fallen off.
I find myself even getting irritated with anyone else who dares to think everything is right with their world or are experiencing deep contentment because I will never believe that again about MY WORLD . I want to scream "how can EVERYTHING be right in your world when MY son is dead?" I have always leaned towards cynical, and Max's death has shoved me violently and deeply there. I feel so very selfish for this attitude, but I have never felt so upside-down before with no ability to right myself.
Todd & I were discussing tonight how our very closest friends didn't even mention that today was the six month mark of Max's death. (Thank you to those who remembered and said something to us, you have no idea how much it means to us!) Again, I wish I could be ignorant of what the world was like before my days were marked by his death. Anger seems to be a good place to camp. If I leave anger, I fall into hopelessness right now, so I prefer anger.
I have been told by other grieving parents who are farther along in their journey that there IS hope out there again and I will care about my job and my house and my life again, but no time soon. Now is the time to walk through the grief. I have been told that two years is "normal" and "expected" for intense grieving, and that after the two year mark I can expect to start seeing the sun again and start to feel that hope exists. For someone who is just six months in, that two year mark feels like an eternity away. I know I have said this before, but it is like being dropped into the deepest part of the ocean and told that your only job is to pace yourself and swim to the shore ... knowing the shore is so VERY far away ... so you swim and swim and swim and that is all you do is swim.
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