I Believe!

Originally posted as a facebook note 1/23/11 - Last night I noticed a shift in my prayers.  I was crying out to God under the stars as I usually do, and I wasn't saying "NO, I do not want this life", I was saying "Lord, help me accept and live this life".  I may go back to stomping my feet and screaming NO, but this is the first time that I have said the words "help me accept".   This was a huge light bulb moment for me.

These words came after talking with God about the assurance of heaven.  Not only do I firmly stand in Scripture that heaven is real and Max claimed salvation, but God in His compassion has sent KNOCK DOWN NO ARGUING ABOUT IT confirmation that Max is WITH HIM to both myself and to Wesley at different times.  So the underlying peace in my grieving remains that Max is in heaven and I will see him again.

Last night was the first time I put all this together and told God that I don't even need to "see" Max living in heaven for assurance that he is alright.  I have enough of a description from the Bible that I KNOW Max is fine.  Max is living in a place that has no darkness and no sin.  A place with no hunger or tears.  A place that has beautiful music and satisfaction beyond what earth could ever offer.   A place of great beauty and peace.  A place where every and all pure pleasures are his.  He is surrounded by loved ones that have died before him as well as being surrounded by the heavenly host of angels and, of course, the glory of being in God's presence.   All of this is truth that I have actual bible verses to back up.  I am sure heaven is that and so much more than my human mind could ever fathom.   I do not need any further proof, Lord, I believe and I will hold on to that for the rest of my days!!

That does not diminish the pain of separation here and now - I grieve that relationship and I miss that young man who will forever be 18 years old.  I miss being his mama and caring for his physical needs.  I miss being able to tell him how handsome and how special he is.  I know I told him at least 1000 times, but DID HE HEAR ME?   I cry for the memories we will never have ... his marriage, his children, his career, his successes and failures.  So much more died with him than just him!  His future, our future together ... it now lies in heaven, not here on earth.

Thank you, Lord, for the assurance of heaven.  Thank you for salvation and that Max claimed it.  Thank you for even the smallest step forward in the grief process.  I have a long way to go on this grief journey ... I still wonder HOW I will live my years now, but I hope and pray that I am past wondering IF I will make it.