This Wretched, Blessed Season

Originally posted as a facebook note 12/19/10 - I will be so glad when this wretched holiday season is over.  I have hung on by the barest thread through October, November, and most of December, with just a few more weeks to go before our first Christmas without Max will be done.

It's so hard to even put in to words what kind of torture the holidays are for our family this year.  Every little thing, from not buying presents for Max, to wrapping presents and not having his name on the "to/from" card, to knowing his sweet laughter will be missing.  The Christmas music talks about joy and the most wonderful time of the year.  All around us are happy people, celebrating that their families are all home.  It's especially hard for me to read about families that have college kids who are home for a few weeks.  I am so JEALOUS of those who have whole families.  I cry every day.  Not all day, but every day, for sure.  I hate knowing that his stocking will be empty Christmas morning.  I have requested that my husband not fill my stocking so that Max's won't be the only one hanging up there empty on the 25th.   There is no joy in looking forward to gifts under the tree, we don't want anything because nothing can make up for what we've lost.  The things of this earth are so temporary and bring no pleasure.  I look back on the things I gave Max over the years, and what is left is now collecting dust down in his empty room.   Every decoration triggers a memory and usually tears.  Part of me is ready to SMASH 2010 goodbye on New Years Eve.  The other part of me isn't ready AT ALL to see 2011 here, a year that Max will never see.  Ironically, Wesley will be spending New Years Eve away from us as well, attending a church retreat.  I can't even make myself go to church during this season.  I have managed to cry every time I've gone to church since Max died, I am not even going to TRY to handle it during the holidays.  I know some will not understand this, but I am doing what I have to so I can survive this season the best I can.

And yet, there are blessings flowing from this particular Christmas season that we've never experienced.   As a Christian, I celebrate the birth of Christ with a deeper meaning than ever before.  If it were not for God choosing to be with us, Emmanuel, we would have no hope of eternal life and Salvation.  That hope is what I claim for Max, and for my family to be whole again in eternity, together forever with God.  Our family has been completely and totally surrounded and showered with love.  The beautiful wreath made with loving hands in loving memory of Max.  The flowers bought in his name.  The 12 days of Christmas gifts that come every day to my home.  Even as we isolate away in our grief, unable to be around too much merriment or even too much happiness, people continue reaching out to us.  I don't even know how to thank people for this kind of agape love.