Grief Landmines

Originally posted as a facebook note 1/8/11 - Stepped into a grief landmine this afternoon.  So innocently ... the smell of Downy as I loaded the laundry into the washing machine.  I have used Downy for YEARS because my grandma used it, and the smell always reminded me of playing in the swimming pool at her house when I was a little girl.  We had downy bottles for toys!   I ran out of downy about two weeks ago, so have been using dryer sheets instead.

So this was the first load in a little while that had downy - and as I poured it, the smell triggered a memory of the week Max died.  I flipped out seeing his dirty clothes laying around in my laundry room and his basket of clean clothes, so I quickly did a load of laundry, got it folded and put in his room.  You can't imagine how many times I have regretted that one small act - rushing to do his laundry.   People REALLY shouldn't make ANY decisions when they are in shock.

The irrational thing about this grief landmine is that I probably have done 100 loads of laundry since Max died, all with Downy.  So why tonight?  Why this load?  WHO KNOWS.  There is no reasoning with a grief landmine.  You step into it and are reduced to tears and a heap of emotions.

So I went right in to his room, and spent a few minutes just sitting there, smelling "him" in his room and looking around.  He has a brand new computer monitor that he just bought on his desk.  I keep thinking I need to bring it upstairs and get rid of my old clunky one in my office.  It just feels *wrong*, like I am dis-assembling his life.  Once it's out of his room, it will never go back.  I like to look at things that he put where they are - and wonder why he might have laid something where it is ... like a pair of socks on top of his alarm clock ... I just miss his thoughts, I guess.