Christmas Shopping

Originally posted as a facebook note 12/16/10 - I figured out that my restless night of anxiety last night was related to the fact that I had planned today to go Christmas shopping.  I had "armed" myself mentally and was ready to hit the stores with my small list (so I thought).  What's the big deal, right?  I have Wesley to shop for, and I love buying gifts for him!

We've cut Christmas spending way down this year.  Not to sound materialistic, but Max's funeral in the middle of the year was a big unexpected expenditure.  (SO WRONG to have to worry about money while the world is flipped upside down with my child's death, but don't get me started on that subject!)  So I knew one day of shopping would take care of the entire list.

Todd offered to go with me, and I said no, then immediately re-considered, and decided it would be nice to have some moral support.  I NEEDED IT.  We only went to five stores, but I cried all the way to the first store because I wasn't buying any gifts for Max this year.  Then the last store we went in checked their computer to see if we shopped before, and asked us if we had a "Max" in our family.  I just burst into tears and told her that Max died in a car wreck.  Poor lady.  She changed it in the computer so nobody else will ever ask that same question again!  I felt a little sorry for her, she had no idea what she was triggering.

So the shopping is done.  I didn't realize how hard it would be.  I have had people tell me to slow down and stop expecting so much of myself (many times, actually).   I truly DO feel like I have slowed down - way down.  Adjusting my expectations down so drastically is uncharacteristic for me, and thus hard to do apparently.