Random Thoughts

Originally posted as a facebook note on 9/25/10 - I am calling these random thoughts.  To anyone who hasn't experienced deep grief, they would probably seem like crazy thoughts.  I know they are not because I have read so much lately about the experience.

I desperately do not want to get 'stuck' in the complicated grief.  I do not want my years left to be full of pain.  I do not want Wesley's high school years to be miserable because of this loss we have all suffered.  I have been told the only way to get through this is to go through all of the pain and emotions.  I feel immersed, with a vast ocean left to swim in front of me, knowing there is no way out but just to keep swimming.  Literally all I did today was walk at the park and lay in bed and read.  I haven't brushed my hair.  I did get up and eat dinner with Todd and Wesley, who mercifully brought food in and I didn't have to prepare anything.  As someone who is used to accomplishing A LOT during a day, this is a drastic change for me.

As I did the dishes tonight after dinner, I wondered to myself if my dishes were done the day the police came to the door to tell me about Max.  I cannot remember.  If they weren't, my friends did them for me.  I don't know why I care, I certainly didn't that day.  I don't think I even brushed my teeth, having just gotten out of bed when I answered the door.

I wonder about the organ recipients.  Whether the surgeries were successful.  I want to write them all to tell them how special Max was and how much I miss him.  The organ bank allows communication as long as it's without any personal details.  You can only "meet" if a year has gone by and you each have written once anonymously.  A year seems like such a long time.  I still can't say it gives me any comfort that part of his physical body lives on, because it's not in HIM that it lives.  I read other blogs about how people were not able to donate because of damage to the bodies, and I feel grateful that we were able to give what we could.  Max was so healthy and young, I know many people were helped because of that.  I found myself worrying about the skin grafts because he had a bad sunburn last year, and I didn't want those people who received his skin to develop skin cancer later in life because of Max's sunburn.

As a professional organizer, I have helped many people go through their things after a death in the family.  I thought I understood them, on an intellectual level.  I had no clue.  In some ways, the things Max touched and owned defined who he was.  I was down in his room, looking at his clothes, his bookshelf, his desk, and thought about what a cool kid he was!  In other ways, the 'stuff' around me has no meaning.  I look at all the knick-knacks and things I have bought and I could just give them all away because they are not what define my life any more.

I do not want to get rid of any of Max's things - EVER.  And yet, I want them all gathered up.  I did all his laundry within the first few days of his death and moved his laundry basket out of the laundry room because I couldn't stand to see it in there.  As a mom, washing my children's clothing was a way to care for them.  I always ended up putting it away for them even though they are/were perfectly capable.  I remember when Max figured out that I was 'sorting' his clothes as I put them away - all the t-shirts together, all the dress shirts together, etc.  He just laughed at me.  Now I look at his choice of shirts and it makes me smile, they reflect so much of his personality.  He has a green shirt that he bought on the Disney trip in 2008, and he wore it so much that all the iron-on lettering fell off, so it's a plain green shirt now.

I find myself trying to remember all the details of Max's 'likes'.  His favorite candy was Sour Patch Gummies.  He loved ramen noodles.   He loved pappaw's macaroni & cheese.  I have been asking Wesley what HE likes too, so I can memorize all these details.  I hate going to the store and seeing the things Max loved there and knowing there is no need to buy them because Max isn't here to eat them. I made brownies a couple of weeks ago, and it was a few days before Wesley discovered them. He commented that if Max was around, those brownies wouldn't have lasted a day - he was right!

People have thanked me for being transparent during this time, that I am helping them work through their own past/present grief.  I am honored that God uses my pain for His glory.  It would be in vain if it weren't for that fact for sure.  I struggle with whether I am sharing too much, or whether people might think it's unhealthy, the level of details I share.  Please feel free to 'hide' me on FB if you are uncomfortable.  I do not know any other way to do this but out in the open.  I am praying that it truly does heal.

I hear from other parents who are grieving that friends and family 'go away' because they are uncomfortable with the depth of the pain.  I have not really seen that, I feel fortunate.  Thank you all for sharing this journey with me, one I never wanted to be on, but find myself taking none the less.