Opening My Hands

When I was younger, I used to believe that something of great value couldn't be "lost", because it was too important to lose.  I would twirl my wedding ring on my finger without worrying it would slip off, because it was too important to lose, and therefore it wouldn't slip off my finger.  Obviously, that theory doesn't hold up in real life.

I sat in the cemetery today next to Max's grave this afternoon.  I finally said the words OUT LOUD "I surrender Max to You, Lord".  I had to repeat it many times, phrase it many ways, and I cried my way all the way through it. 

I understand that Max has been living with God in heaven for over 4 years now, but I hadn't fully unclenched my fists from trying to hold on to him.  To trust God to fully care for him.  Completely, symbolically, truly unclench my fists and surrender Max to God.  I will always have the honor of being Max's mom.  Although I will always keep that title, my work as his mom is done.  Being his physical mom is now a part of my past.  He is now being cared for by our Heavenly Father.  It's hard to sing "I Surrender All" when I knew in my heart that I hadn't let go of Max fully, nor did I trust God with Wesley's life (and now Sammie's as well). 

As if clenching my fists did ANY good.  As if by my own sheer will, he would not be dead.  As if my own sheer will would keep Wesley & Sammie safe.  I've believed that about most everything.  If you have enough determination and grit, you CAN get what you want.  That simply isn't true.  Certainly not in Max's case.  If my will and determination and grit could have kept him alive, I WOULD HAVE.  But it's not my choice.  It's God's choice.  

I took a financial bible study where we had to 'deed' over to God all that we owned, including our children.  Well I wrote it back then, and I truly believed it.  But, then Max died, and I didn't want God to own him.  I wanted him AND Wesley OFF that deed.  God is the ultimate parent and Max DOES belong to Him, not me.  I was granted 18 years to be his mom and I will live the rest of my life with a hole in my heart because God's will and determination and grit allowed Max's days on earth to end on 8/6/10, and that doesn't make God any less good and trustworthy. 

Maybe now that I've truly surrendered, said the words out loud and unclenched my fists, I can begin to trust God with other things in my life again.  If He can be trusted with Max's life .... and .... Max's death .... then He can be trusted.

Lord, I fully surrender Max to You.  He's Yours.  In life.  In death.  I'm releasing my grip on him and offering You my open hands as a sign of trust.  I love you Max.  I love you Lord.  Thanks for letting me have him for 18 years.

(Max's grave is at the top of this photograph, near my pointer finger)