Threads of Max's Death

The death of a child is different than any other death.  You may not agree with me or understand it, but I believe to my core that the death of a child impacts your life differently than *any* other loss.  (I'm not saying other losses don't hurt, of course they do.)  The thread of the death of MY child will forever weave into the fabric of my life.  That isn't 'complicated grief', that isn't 'depression', that isn't 'holding on to my grief'.  It's just fact.  Max's death will color the way I see and feel *everything*, from now until my own death.

Although I will always be "Max's mom", for all intents and purposes, Wesley is an only child.  He is the only one I have seen go to college.  He is the only one I saw get married.  He is the only one that I will celebrate victories with, have grand-babies from, and support from afar when he hits difficulties. He (and his wife) will be making decisions for us when we are elderly.  So for Todd & I, *he* comes first.  Our family has and always will be our first priority.  I believe it was before Max died, but we are much more aware of it now. 

I have written a lot on my facebook page about the happiness that Wesley's wedding has brought into my life and soul.  I do not want to take the joy or anything else away from that blessed event that has been so good for me and our family.  But I would be remiss if I didn't share the way grief has affected my life during this event.

I mourn that Max will never get married.  I mourn that he will never be a father, or meet any of Wesley's children.  I mourn that I only have one daughter-in-law rather than the 2 we would have had if Max had lived.  I watch the wedding affect Trinity.  I wish Samantha could have known Max.  She only knows the stories we tell about him, and where his remains are at the cemetery.  I am learning to distinguish between what is 'grief' and what is 'normal empty nest' feelings and deal accordingly.  I've been running at a physical pace that I haven't had since before Max died.  Our decision-making abilities are affected, more so during times of stress.  We go with what feels right at the time, and that is always changing.  Our family motto is "this is our plan, unless something changes, and it always changes".  This is quite a different way of life for Todd & I, who used to be very much in control, very responsible, and planned out everything WAY in advance. 

Even now, nearly 4 years after his death, I have still have friends that are bailing out of our life because they've reached the limit of how long they can tolerate Max's loss affecting our lives.  This is what I want to convey:  Max's loss has forever changed our lives and how we deal with ANYTHING:  stressful or not, good or bad, holiday or not.  We are doing the best we can. If you can accept that, we can continue being friends.  If you can't, then don't let the door hit you in the butt as you walk away.

I recognize that grief makes me selfish and needy.  As time goes by, I get less selfish and less needy.  But not weeks or months, YEARS.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Even parents 20, 30, 40 YEARS away from the death of their child still have a thread that the death is weaving through their lives and need extra grace and understanding on hard days.  I ask that you continue giving Todd & I extra grace and support as we move forward without our first-born son. We need it.  We need YOU. 
 I not only miss Max, my heart and soul YEARN for him.  I  wanted him to be a part of this wonderful special day with Sammie & Wesley, and all the days after that.  But he won't.  He can't.  So I do what I can and bless the kids I have here on earth in every way I possibly can.