I'm Back

You are probably wondering where I've been for a year, not posting any notes to my blog.  I'm going to tell you something not many know at this point.  I 'checked out' of my grieving and began self-medicating to numb the pain.  I spent many weeks and months in bed, just out of it, not feeling the pain, thinking that was my coping mechanism that I didn't want to part with.  I stopped going to counseling.  I stopped attending my grieving moms support group.  I stopped caring whether I was going forward in my grieving process.  I put on a good show, I would be up and dressed when my family came home at the end of the day.  I would attend events that I had to, and nobody could tell that I was dead inside.  But I lived numb for far too long.

And somewhere toward the end of last summer, I found a new friend, and she turned a switch on inside of me that I had shut off, and I decided to live again, wanting to find life outside of my bed.  It has required a major change in meds and an intentional step back into counseling and grief support, as well as adding a new layer of support around me.  And I am overwhelmed many times with my grief because now I am out of practice "feeling" it.  I have physical anxiety attacks that are very debilitating.   The ironic thing is that I was not only blocking out the pain, I was blocking out the good feelings too.  I made myself unable to feel bad or good.

But now, I'm allowing myself to feel the pain again so that SOMEDAY, I can feel something other than pain!  I'm so thankful God brought that new friend into my life.  She never knew Max.  She never knew ME when Max was alive, so her expectations of me are so different than many of the friends in my life - she just takes me as she finds me and we go from there.  Incredibly refreshing!  Incredibly freeing.  I can just be myself, and she thinks I shine and am dynamic.  Not smashed down with pain and grief as others see me.  She sees the 'whole' me - not just the grieving me.  Oh she makes room in our friendship for grief, of course she does, or we wouldn't be able to spend time together.  But there is no 'elephant in the room' with her.  It's been a long time since someone has looked at me and I've felt "shiny" and alive.  I don't even know *how* she breathed passion back into my spirit.  Just to say that God sent her my way, and I'll always be grateful for that. 

So I will be blogging again and sharing again.  I just passed my 4 month anniversary of when I stopped self-medicating.  I hope after 3 1/2 years of listening to my healing journey, you are not weary of hearing about it still/again.  I'm doing the best I can, and that will have to do.

P.S. I need to say THANK YOU to Todd & Wesley, for loving me unconditionally and allowing me space, and now, encouraging me and loving me as I start to move forward again.  I am blessed by these two men!!