Desperation

When Max first died, I had a hard time describing the depth of physical pain my soul was in.  I equated it to that moment when you and your young child are in a mall and you turn your back for a moment and when you turn back around, they are gone.  That panic feeling - "frantic/freaking out/must find them" feeling.  That feeling stays 24 hours a day and you KNOW there is NO finding them.  Your child is now laying in a cold cemetery, gone forever.

That, my friends, is true desperation.

Where do you go with that kind of soul ache?  I've seen grieving parents do about everything under the sun with that ache.  I've lost a very close friend to suicide, she shot herself at her sons grave right before the two-year mark.  I've seen many turn to alcohol and drugs.  I've seen worse - one turned to evil on the internet and now sits in prison.  Some bury themselves in a project or work to avoid the constant pain.  I've heard stories of a mom with a shovel, headed out to the cemetery to get her kiddo.  Those who have spent the night laying on their child's grave.   

These are all grieving parents I KNOW PERSONALLY, not just random internet stories. 

I've never met one who instantly turns to God and stays there for the duration.  The "norm" seems to be turning to God, then walking away, then returning much later on the journey.  Who but God holds the answer to "why" that child died?   So why wouldn't it be a struggle to continue unconditional trust?  This isn't a note about God, but rather, about desperation.

It's so easy to judge and say "it's been 3 months, 6 months, a year, two years, five years ... that parent needs to move on".  Until you've personally tasted desperation (and I'm not saying child loss is the only way), you cannot say.  You. Cannot. Say. what you would do. 

Do you know that the dictionary defines 'desperation' as 'recklessness arising from despair'?  Yes, that is about right.  You just can't know what that kind of desperation will drive you to.  I thought I knew too, I knew how I hoped I would react, and I've surprised myself.

On behalf of all the grieving parents I know here in Wichita and MYSELF, I beg you to increase your heart and be accepting of wherever that grieving parent finds themselves and don't pass any judgment.  Don't try to understand, just accept and go from there.