Healing A Friendship

Many of you already know Angie.  She & I have been friends for a hundred years.  Maybe not quite THAT long.  We've been together since junior high.  She was my maid of honor back in 1989 when Todd & I got married.  I was her maid of honor.  She moved away, then I moved away, then we both finally landed back in Wichita and back into each others lives in 2003.  From 2003 to 2010, we were *tight*, spending every weekend night together with our families blended together, guys against girls in cards (in which we are STILL undefeated, muh-ha-ha).  We shared many experiences beyond fun.  Spiritually we were on many teams serving in Kairos Outside and Emmaus together, we were in the "babe chicks" reunion group together, and attended church together.  We shared life in nearly every way possible, the ways best friends are supposed to. The picture shown with this blog is at my 20 year wedding vows renewal in 2009.


When Max died, the police allowed me to text Todd (not call), but they allowed me to call a friend - and Angie's house was the first phone call I made.  She was there for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually those first impossible days after Max's death.  And then, in her genuine caring words, she tried to comfort me and said and did some things that hit me wrong, and in my extreme pain, I responded badly and hurt her back.  Neither one of us were prepared to respond to a situation we never dreamed we'd face in our friendship - the death of one of our children. There is no training for such a thing!


In my wounded state, I have held those moments against our friendship, not understood how she could not understand, and pulled away from her for many months (nearly two years).  I have shared with other grieving parents who have similar experiences with long-time friends - they have a falling out because of words said in early grief.  When I went on the Spark of Life retreat a couple of weeks ago, she wrote me a letter, saying that although she didn't know what to say or how to say it, her love has never waned for me.  Many others wrote letters to me as well for that weekend, and the overriding theme God allowed me to see was that I had scared MANY of my friends away from comforting me because of my violent over-reaction to their well meaning words.  I decided right then and there that I would no longer allow that to be between our friendship. 

I texted her from the weekend, asked her to meet me for dinner that week, and apologized for driving her away with my reactions.  She opened up about how those reactions had hit her.  She used many descriptive words for how I treated her and others that offended me in those early days of grief - "roasted, skewered, barbequed" ... well you get the idea .... I did not respond in a loving way.  It was humbling to listen to her talk about it from her perspective.


I have many others I need to apologize to, for sure, but Angie was the biggest hurdle for me.  I felt such peace after our conversation!!  Ironically, the walls of protection I had built for myself to keep her out were truly just creating loneliness and isolation for me, at a time where I really craved her friendship. 

One more curious thing ... we are both on the team for the upcoming Walk to Emmaus in the fall.  And guess who was assigned my prayer partner?  (Yep, I always say God has a sense of humor!)  What a different experience it would have been had we not both been willing to humble ourselves, ask forgiveness for our shortcomings, and move forward in love.  I know our time at Emmaus will be that much deeper and richer because of the hardships we've survived.  I'm so glad to have her back and build a future together.  I've missed her.