Where Are My Friends?

When a child dies, it won't take long for the family remaining to ask this question.  Every grief support group I attend has someone asking this question - every single time.  Grief feels so isolating.  It obviously doesn't apply to EVERY friend, and to those friends where it does - it may feel like an unfair assessment, but we'll get to that... as a matter of fact, I've been reluctant to write this blog for fear of offending my circle of friends.  However, it's far too commonly expressed to ignore that this is a huge aspect of child loss - most friends don't know how to or can't support a bereaved parent long term.

I want to address possible reasons for this first.  In my case, friends are not only grieving the loss of Max, they are grieving the devastation that this trauma has caused in my life.  It's just too hard for them to see me in such misery without knowing how to "fix" it.  They are grieving my grief, if that makes sense.  And they are experiencing anticipatory grief - knowing that if it happened to me, it can happen to them as well.  The grief they are experiencing is complicated by many dynamics.  Not nearly the same as the grief I have, but deep none the less.   Knowing just this much has helped me release a lot of the anger and expectations I have regarding the friends who are not walking this long road with me.

Most people are not educated in "grief".  I sure wasn't before Max died!  I have *learned* how to respond to others without causing additional pain.  God only knows how many times I inflicted more pain by trying to explain away feelings or give a cliche answer without stopping to really *hear* what the person was sharing.  I am still learning, for that matter.  And I have only learned out of survival.  If you are not plunged down into the deep pit of darkness in loss, how could you know how to respond?  I could write a whole blog on the art of 'validation'.

Those rare friends who can bear it will stay close; those for whom it's too painful will pull away, and then eventually they might come back.  I've heard people say "your true friends will be with you".  I'm not sure that is accurate.  Many that have pulled away or that we have pulled away from I consider true friends.  Just not able to walk with me during this season of pain.

There are those rare friends who grit through and walk with us, refusing to let go regardless of how hard it is.  I'm so grateful I have some that fit into that category!  And hopefully along the way, new friends come along, through Compassionate Friends or other grief groups, who CAN walk with you and understand your pain.  I have many that fall into this category as well!


Thanks to Debbie Stanley and Paul Zahner for hashing this difficult subject out with me and helping me understand on a deeper level.   Sending love and blessings to you both for how you enrich my life and grief walk.