Been a long while since I stepped into a grief landmine like I did tonight. Had an immediate freak out, broke into tears, ran for cover, sick to my stomach, couldn't breathe. Even nearly an hour later, my chest still hurts, as do my stomach muscles. I used my inhaler three times in attempt to be able to breathe before I realized that my lack of breath was anxiety related. Brought back that I did the same thing the day Max died. I must have used my inhaler 20 times that day before deciding it wasn't working, though on that day, I didn't have the necessary thoughts connecting to know it was anxiety(more like panic!) like I do today.
An innocent, happy post in my newsfeed about Hector & Marissa being married 1 year today set me off! Max went to Hector's wedding last year ... little did we know at the time that he was living the last week of his life. The shirt he wore that day is the only one that didn't get scooped up and laundered after his death. I found it wadded up in a backpack weeks later. It still smelled like him. I put it in a ziplock baggie in hopes of preserving that wonderful smell. I took it out a few weeks ago, and much to my dismay, it does not smell like Max any more. I still will never wash that shirt. The pictures from that happy day a year ago are some of the very last ones I have of Max. Hector was one of Max's casket bearers.
I should have seen this landmine coming. I have prepared so well for most of them around Max's death, but not this one for some reason. I cannot remember the last time I had such a violent reaction ... I guess that is good. It shows I am getting better at walking this road of grief. This is one part of the journey I will not miss, the landmines. I thought I was nearly all the way through the "firsts" ... but not quite, not quite.
Also, it sounds insane, but it made the "year" feel more real to me. In my head, I know that much time has passed, but my heart says "Max just died a little while ago..." as in right after Hector's wedding. Doesn't even make sense, but the weight of YEAR just felt heavier.
An innocent, happy post in my newsfeed about Hector & Marissa being married 1 year today set me off! Max went to Hector's wedding last year ... little did we know at the time that he was living the last week of his life. The shirt he wore that day is the only one that didn't get scooped up and laundered after his death. I found it wadded up in a backpack weeks later. It still smelled like him. I put it in a ziplock baggie in hopes of preserving that wonderful smell. I took it out a few weeks ago, and much to my dismay, it does not smell like Max any more. I still will never wash that shirt. The pictures from that happy day a year ago are some of the very last ones I have of Max. Hector was one of Max's casket bearers.
I should have seen this landmine coming. I have prepared so well for most of them around Max's death, but not this one for some reason. I cannot remember the last time I had such a violent reaction ... I guess that is good. It shows I am getting better at walking this road of grief. This is one part of the journey I will not miss, the landmines. I thought I was nearly all the way through the "firsts" ... but not quite, not quite.
Also, it sounds insane, but it made the "year" feel more real to me. In my head, I know that much time has passed, but my heart says "Max just died a little while ago..." as in right after Hector's wedding. Doesn't even make sense, but the weight of YEAR just felt heavier.
No comments:
Post a Comment