I dug out the DVD of Max's funeral tonight and watched it. I was in such shock and fog when the event happened. I am so glad to have it and be able to watch it now that several months have gone by. Some have told me they think it strange or morbid. I am here to tell you that I love having it and choosing to watch it.
I get to hear my son's name over and over and over. So many of my friends are afraid to say his name for fear of upsetting me or drawing tears. I get to hear how he positively impacted so many lives, so many great stories. I get to hear the best music - all my favorites that were played that day including the cadence Max himself wrote for the drumline. I get to absorb more of the scripture and the words that I couldn't "hear" that day.
What really struck me today was how Max's flesh will never again fail him like it did the morning he died (he fell asleep while he was driving). He will never again be cold, or be sick, or need sleep or food. He will never again feel pain or suffering.
And listening to those scriptures that my pastor read, after living for months with this horrendous pain, I realized that is where I am going too ... a place where I will no longer have the burdens of this earthly life. I will be able to hug Max whenever I want. I will fall down and worship my Savior. The music and light of heaven will be so awesome. I wept tears of joy tonight as I realized that anew ... someday *I* will not feel the pain of being apart from those I love because of death.
I was able to reflect that having Max was the reason Todd & I went to church ... we wanted him to know Jesus. Eternal life is what I am striving for ... and Max is no longer striving. He is *there*. He was welcomed there the very second he left this earth. The process of adjusting to him being gone has been long and continues on. But I was able to truly rejoice tonight while watching that DVD. Thank you, Lord, for that peace.
I get to hear my son's name over and over and over. So many of my friends are afraid to say his name for fear of upsetting me or drawing tears. I get to hear how he positively impacted so many lives, so many great stories. I get to hear the best music - all my favorites that were played that day including the cadence Max himself wrote for the drumline. I get to absorb more of the scripture and the words that I couldn't "hear" that day.
What really struck me today was how Max's flesh will never again fail him like it did the morning he died (he fell asleep while he was driving). He will never again be cold, or be sick, or need sleep or food. He will never again feel pain or suffering.
And listening to those scriptures that my pastor read, after living for months with this horrendous pain, I realized that is where I am going too ... a place where I will no longer have the burdens of this earthly life. I will be able to hug Max whenever I want. I will fall down and worship my Savior. The music and light of heaven will be so awesome. I wept tears of joy tonight as I realized that anew ... someday *I* will not feel the pain of being apart from those I love because of death.
I was able to reflect that having Max was the reason Todd & I went to church ... we wanted him to know Jesus. Eternal life is what I am striving for ... and Max is no longer striving. He is *there*. He was welcomed there the very second he left this earth. The process of adjusting to him being gone has been long and continues on. But I was able to truly rejoice tonight while watching that DVD. Thank you, Lord, for that peace.
2 comments:
your words reflect my exact thoughts Pam. Thank you again for putting them into words. I too have Brian's DVD, but have not watched it yet. I do know I will, just not sure when. It has just been a year.
I also have my son's funeral on tape, and find it comforting.
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