Need Some Pain Relief

I wish there were some way to take the edge off the pain.  There isn't enough pain medicine out there to take away the pain of losing a child.  What is the balm that really works for soul sickness of this depth?

My grief assignment this week was to write TO MAX with the first sentence being ... "The day you died...".  I completed the assignment tonight, and then have laid here for the past few hours reliving that day in my head.  When the doorbell rang, how I told Wesley, who I called, when my pastor showed up, when each of our parents showed up, when Todd got home ... on and on through the events of the day as I can recall them.  My heart races.

I already had one melt down early today when a friend of Max's came over to get a shirt from his closet.   I really wanted her to have it and was glad she took it, but it caused me to turn into a complete psycho, I kicked Wesley's friends out and turned the heat up in my house way warmer than normal and collapsed for a nap.  I woke up feeling hung over and wrung out. 

I watched our wedding vow renewal video for the first time since it was made last summer and was SO EXCITED to find there were a couple of great close ups with Max and HIS VOICE on the cd.  I just bawled.  I miss his voice so so much.  And I have many pictures and videos of when he was a little guy, but hardly ANY recent ones.  Of course, I long for what I knew most recently - my grown up son headed to college.  So the video was a high point of the day.

I lay here at 3:26 am wishing, wanting, begging for some pain relief.  There is absolutely nothing to do but the same thing I have been doing ... keep breathing, keep waiting for time to heal, keep focusing on the blessings and the joy Max brought to my life.   Praying, relaxation techniques, just ANYTHING to get through another night.  The nights are so ridiculously black and long right now.