Wailing

Originally written as a facebook note on 10/6/10 -
Today, Wesley and I talked about the difference between crying and wailing.  I have never known pain deep enough to bring out a wail from the depths of my body until the day Max died.  Wailing is defined as a verb - to utter a prolonged, inarticulate, mournful cry, usually high-pitched or clear-sounding, as in grief or suffering.  This is a sound that comes straight from the inside of your gut.  It is very loud and seems to go on and on.  It is a complete abandonment of dignity and control.  It is an immediate physical response and the depth can only be measured in suffering -  not tears, because sometimes tears are not even present.

My mother wailed when she received the news of Max.  She turned away from the police and into my arms and wailed so loudly, that the sound will forever be in my memory and in Wesley's.   Curiously, she has absolutely no memory of that moment.  She said if anyone but the two of us would have told her she let out that loud of a response, she wouldn't have believed them, because that is just not in her nature.

I wailed that day.  I have wailed a couple of times since that day, usually in the privacy of my car.  I never, ever, want to have another occasion in my life that necessitates such pain to be released from my soul.  I believe wailing tears at the fabric of your heart, it shreds it to where it needs extra special TLC that only God Himself can provide.

This must be what the bible talks about in Romans 8:26 when it says "the (Holy) Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."   Thank You, Holy Spirit, for taking my cries and wailing to the Father so that I may receive comfort for pain that feels like it will never dull.